We’ve covered all sorts of angles on the riots here at HTC HQ but as it is Friday, and as everyone I think needs a little light cheer in their lives to remind ourselves what a dry and cynical race us British are, here is a witty and VERY whimsical take on the riots, with a potential new career for our regular newscaster Simon Button.
Grab a cup of tea and enjoy – we’ll be back tomorrow with more eye witness reports, just as soon as Sam has finished handing out cuppas as a volunteer for #OperationCupofTea!
The victim’s family embarked on a peaceful protest and then it all went to hell, well, Tottenham.
The peaceful protest I can understand, but the events that have followed are inexplicable and inexcusable. Rioters have roamed the streets of our cities at night causing widespread violence and damage, but why? Zeinobia, an Eygptian blogger and activist who took part in protests against Hosni Mubarak, recently wrote, “I am sorry but you do not loot to object the murder of a young man, you are using his murder.”
The following is a transcript of two “rioters” telling the BBC their “reasoning”.
Idiot 1 “Everyone was just gonna riot, chuckin’ things, chuckin’ bottles”
Idiot 2 “Breakin’ inta stuff. It was good though. It was madness.”
Idiot 1 “It was good though. Yeah course it is”
Reporter “You’re drinking a bottle of rose wine..(interrupted).”
Idiot 1 “At half nine in the morning, yeah free alcohol”
Reporter “Have you been drinking all night?”
Idiot 1 “Yeah, it’s like the government’s fault. I dunno”
Idiot 2 “Conservatives”
Idiot 1 “Yeah, whatever, who it is, I dunno”
Idiot 2 “It’s not even a riot, it’s showing the police we can do what we want”
Idiot 1 “Yeah that’s what it’s about, it’s showing the police we can do what we want”
Reporter “Do you think it will go on tonight?”
Idiot 1 “Hopefully, yeah hopefully”
Reporter “But these are local people, why are you targeting local people?”
Idiot 1 “It’s the rich people, the rich people who ‘av got businesses, and that’s why all of this has happened cos of rich people. So we’re just showing the rich people we’re doin’ what we want.”
So it’s doing it for fun, no wait, showing the government who’s boss. Or is it the police? No it’s the rich who are at fault. These are the kind of people we are dealing with here. Morons and cretins. If you find yourself in a riot zone, seek shelter in a Waterstones, these people have no interest in books. While next door in Currys Digital, everything is gone, even the D cell batteries. Maybe if these people had ever picked up a book in their lives, we wouldn’t be having these problems. If these people keep burning Footlockers and JD Sports to the ground, where will the chav scum get their hoodies from then? They need some perspective (heavily intended sarcasm).
So to solve their problems they will destroy homes and businesses and kill. Five people have now been confirmed dead from the riots. One shot in a car and three run down in cold blood as they tried to protect their homes. A Malaysian boy who’d been attacked and had his jaw broken, left slumped on the ground in a pool of his own blood was helped to his feet by a passer by only in order to mug him and empty his backpack. These people are sick and they do it because they think they can get away with it, well one man has been arrested over this incident now.
But sadly, many will get away with it. But action is now being taken and consequences are becoming real. One man has been arrested and is facing a murder charge for killing the three men in Birmingham and unimaginable numbers people have been arrested. The luckiest of this lot are now already being provided with food and shelter at Her Majesty’s leisure and can look to
enjoy such surroundings for a part of their youth. Hope it was worth it.
As soon as we find out arrests and convictions are being made, it turns out quite a lot of people are getting away with fines of a few hundred pounds or a few days in prison. I guess you can’t really throw the book at people who’ve never seen a book before, such a shock could prove fatal. Manchester and Salford Council are threatening that convicted rioters will be evicted from council homes and a petition has been passed to have the concept of withdrawing all benefits of rioters discussed in the House of Commons. Naturally this is all just posturing. If you make these people homeless or even poorer, I’d fathom a guess that crime rates would increase. I’m not judging these people, only men and women in wigs can do that, I’m only hypothesizing. But my solution is simple.
We look to the model of England’s greatest ever success story, Australia. Many years ago, our fine country had a problem with convicts. Our solution back then? We sent them to this far away place where they couldn’t bother us. And look at Australia now, it’s lovely! I plan on using the base concept of that idea with a combination of our love for reality TV. The show will be called Scum on the Run. We drop convicted rioters off in the middle of the Australian Outback with nothing more than a straw, a wooden spoon and an umbrella. Those who make it back to civilization will be neutered and can take the remaining prison spots back in England. The rest is natural selection.
The idea may need fine-tuning, but I have a meeting with ITV executives next week.
Simon Button, aka Soft Hands McG
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