Spam is a growing problem in our everyday lives. Be it companies randomly pushing cheaply printed tat through your door, tweets telling you there is a free iPad waiting for you if you click this link, or the classic emails telling you that your genitals need enlarging/strengthening/touching. What we can all agree on is that it is beyond infuriating.

The amount of spam that is sent through Twitter now is alarming and ever increasing, which we’ve touched on before. The number of Walmart vouchers I have been offered, being a UK citizen without regular access to the store in question, defies belief. These companies must be making money from doing it or they wouldn’t do it. But that brings up the question – who are these demented nimrods actually clicking these links? Who on Earth is naïve and stupid enough to believe that clicking a link and giving your financial details will get you something for free? There are only two members of Jedward and there isn’t enough time in the day for them to be clicking all these links.

I like to think of myself as a digital vigilante fighting for justice when I click the “block and report as spam” button. I triumphantly shout at my computer “have that in your hole spammer scum”, much to the alarm of my fellow colleagues. But does it do anything? Have my hours fighting this Internet virus been in vain? Because it is most definitely getting worse despite my superhuman efforts to destroy this digital contagion.

So I have adapted a new strategy in my holy war on spammers. I am Judge Dredd, I am the law, and they will fear me. They will know my name as it is whispered in hushed tones in the darkest corners of Internet cafes.  My story will be told throughout the ages as the brave soul who dreamed to dare to try.

In my place of work, we have phones; we are an elite technological outfit. In my duties, I am given the great responsibility of answering these telephonic devices. Over the months I have received an unimaginable number of calls asking in an Indian accent for Mr Evans. To start with, I told them that there was no Mr Evans here. As the calls continued, I asked for them to remove us from their calling list. As they persisted, I threatened legal action as they were breaking the law calling a company on the telephone preference list. Nothing worked.

So I changed my approach. With great power, comes great responsibility, and as I have this great responsibility, logic dictates that I have great power. I went for a blunt force strike to end this harassment; I went for the kill almost literally. Word for word, this was the conversation that took place:

“Hello, good day to you, may I speak to Mr Evans please?”
“Mr Evans is dead”
Brief pause
“Oh I’m very sorry to hear that, would it be possible to speak to a member of his family?”
“They are all dead, it was a horrific freak accident. Please do not call back”

I hung up

They called back within five minutes, so I pretended to channel the dead spirit of Mr Evans in a spooky voice which made them hang up on me, unsurprisingly. Persistent bastards. This is a foe that will not be easily defeated.

It was necessary that a change of approach was required to gain the advantage and I actually listened to the sales pitch they had for the mythical Mr Evans. Turns out they were calling from the Windows help center, presumably in Mumbai, and my computer was running malicious software without my knowledge! I was so shocked that I could only respond to them in one way:

“I don’t have a computer, I am a wizard. Huzzah! Expelliarmus!”

Once again they hung up on me. I have had other battles with the friendly people from the Wyndows help center and feel I furthered my caused in each one. For example, in one call, I pretended to be extremely stoned and asked them for their dealer’s information as I needed a fix and on another call I acted like I was being held hostage at gunpoint and gave them ransom demands. But since the “wizard call” I have not heard from them. Either my MACBOOK (not Windows PC) has been fixed or it means I am doing a Charlie Sheen and winning.

Either way, I am prepared for another call should they decide we have not yet had our Battle of Waterloo. Next time they call I will attempt to sell them some shares in a Justin Bieber and Jedward financial advice company call JedBieb. If that doesn’t stop them, nothing will.

Join our tribe

We promise to pop a whole host of good stuff into your inbox every Wednesday to brighten up your week. Can't say fairer than that now can we?

Thank you for subscribing.

Something went wrong.