Winter has passed and Spring is sprung, English weather sure is fun. I can’t imagine any other country in the world where the government would issue a drought warning where there is a serious risk of drowning. I am positive there has never been a wetter extended dry spell in my lifetime. When my neighbour with all the pets was starting work on a boat, I started to worry.
We have politicians of the highest troll order. Beware of the petrol shortage, we would recommend stocking up, but please don’t panic (subtext: do panic, seriously panic, we’re doomed). Warning!! We are in a state of drought, we are isolated on an island surrounded by water without water, do not use your hosepipes, we may have to recycle urine like in Waterworld with Kevin Costner (result: the skies form an apocalyptic cataclysm and the world, mostly England, is drowned by the rain).
But summer is around the corner and that means there are plenty of exciting things to look forward to. Who could possibly forget that this is the summer of the London Olympics? We finally get to show off to the world our top class and ultra efficient transport links. The refurbished platforms will be a welcome sight for tourists and commuters alike who are likely to spend the best part of their days admiring the new tiling work and humorous advertising.
Don’t worry about that gym membership that you were thinking of. A short underground trip provides added value as a sauna, allowing you to burn off those Olympic McDonalds calories, as all other food will surely be banned for the 17-day duration. Why not take the time to chat to that tourist with his body forced up against you and find out he’s enjoying his visit to our fair capital?
It is a big summer of sport this year. I haven’t even mentioned Euro 2012 yet. So for everyone who enjoys kick ball, good news, there is a big kick ball tournament in the sunny tropics of Ukraine and Poland just for you. For those of you who don’t like kick ball, good news, there is life outside of Twitter and Facebook. Or so I’ve been told, I am yet to verify this fact.
Worry not if you aren’t all that into sport and busy socially awkward sauna transport, we will always have the British summertime weather. This is an added bonus for those with a penchant for gambling. Keep an eye out for an advert with Ray Winstone giving out the odds on the weather during the Olympics. I’m sure I saw good odds on there being a thunderstorm with a flash of lightning igniting the Olympic flame prematurely. It’d be worth a punt, bet in play now, you slaaaags. Cheers Ray.
We have come through the bitter winter, the snow, the wettest drought in history, all so we can look forward to the British summer. The season with weather more unpredictable than the next inevitable Prince Phillip gaffe. Let’s pray we keep him locked up this summer, we don’t want to spark World War 3. But be careful what you wish for; when the sun comes out, so do the deluded men and that can only mean one thing. Moobs. That’s karmic justice for you.
Enjoy the summer while it lasts, and if you live in London, I hear Tehran is lovely this time of year. I honestly have no idea why the British tourist board rejected my job application.
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