Allow me to set the scene. I was enjoying a leisurely stroll through Leicester city centre. The sun was shining, birds were singing and there was no English Defense League march in sight. It was a very nice day. The only thing that could possibly wind me up was the cloud.  But alas, the clouds were not in the sky, they were in my face.

It seems impossible to be able to walk through any populated area and not have to run the smoky gauntlet. In this one 30 minute walk across town, I had smoke blown in my face 4 times. As a non-smoker, this is about as offensive as being spat at. Whether it’s smoke carried on the wind or not, it’s the same effect.

I get it, you have the freedom to choose to suck your cancer sticks, all hail human rights. But on the other hand, I have the equal and opposing rights to not have to choke on your fumes. I already willingly choose to eat crap that the Daily Mail tells me I’ll get cancer from; I don’t need a helping hand.

The logic behind smoking evades me completely. I shall try to summarize the facts behind this cult in a six quick points:

  1. Cigarettes costs a shed load of money to buy, this money could be spent on cake or LOLcat merchandise
  2. Smoking these expensive sticks gets you addicted; now you have to buy more. That’s fewer funny kitty coasters for you.
  3. Smoking offers no physical or mental benefit, quite the opposite in fact as the addiction lowers physical performance and impairs you mentally as you crave for your next one. You cannot properly enjoy the good things in life, like breathing or jumping around when Skrillex drops the bass
  4. A hacking smoker’s cough is seriously sexy. I think I’m starting to see the appeal of this smoking lark
  5. Smoking is socially unacceptable in public places. This means you are a renegade of sorts, like Han Solo. This smoking stuff sounds really cool
  6. You cut years from your life. Perfect for the busy professional always in a hurry and the hipster that likes to do things first

Considering the above points, kidding aside, I’m struggling to see the incentive to start smoking, let alone continue. It hasn’t actually been considered cool to smoke to fit in for the past decade or two; you’re just falling into the sheep mentality.

While I’m ranting, in for a penny in for a pound. Mothers with pushchairs smoking, for the love of our Lord Bieber, WHY? If you’re going to ruin your child’s life, you might as well do it from an early age? Is that the logic? I saw a mother chugging on a cigarette as her tiny baby sat next to her in a pram clawing at a greasy box of chicken and chips that had been shoved in with the child. A future Jeremy Kyle show member in the making here, and the sad thing is, the kid doesn’t stand a chance.

Ultimately, you can smoke if you want to; it’s your life. But in Button’s Britain, you are only allowed to smoke within the confines of your own house. Not in the garden – in the house, with closed windows, and any children locked in a smoke free environment (as long as they are yours). If that stink wafts into my face again, I will feed you that lit cigarette, but not through your mouth. It may seem harsh, but smoking is intrinsically stupid and strong tactics are needed.

If I offended anyone, that’s kind of the point. Quit smoking now, and in a few months you will feel years younger and have money for cake.

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