Like most people Disney films shaped my childhood. I still remember the excitement rushing through me when I watched Pocahontas in the cinema, learning all the words to “Under the Sea” from The Little Mermaid and spending hours pretending to be Mulan.
But as I’ve grown up and become older than any of the Disney princesses, both past and present, it struck me that they do make things a little hard for themselves, and maybe they wouldn’t be in such a predicament if their storyline had been a little more….realistic.
It got me thinking, how would I bring Disney princesses into the 21st century?
Poor Cinderella, she really wasn’t wearing the appropriate footwear for the ball was she?
Every woman knows it’s virtually impossible to run in heels, let alone dash down a flight of stairs after an evening of dancing with a fittie. If only she’d stashed some classic ballerina pumps in her handbag she would have been able to run a little faster to the last coach home, kept her fancy footwear, and probably saved her feet some pain…those glass heels did not look comfortable.
Besides, why did she trust the fairy godmother in the first place? She was hardly Gok Wan and made Cinderella look like she should be concealing toilet rolls.
And while we’re on the subject, she should probably put down some mouse-traps too, singing mice can be so irritating.
If I’d been Snow White, I’d have had the common sense to know that moving in with seven strange men whilst I was single probably wouldn’t do my reputation any good. You wouldn’t have caught me sweeping up someone elses mess and singing cheerily about it. I’d have probably shoved their broom where the sun doesn’t shine (in the mines, obvs).
Plus, that old witch wouldn’t have a chance of killing me with an apple, I tend to steer clear of things that look or smell like fruit or veg. I like to damage my body with greasy food at 1am, which is slowly poisoning me anyway, so unless she’s working in my local takeaway, that witch wouldn’t have a chance.
Despite her beauty (and lack of belly button), Jasmine clearly didn’t listen to her mother growing up. Our mum’s have always warned us about going off with strange men that have criminal records, so I would of kept clear of Aladdin; he’s clearly an ASBO holding ruffian waiting to happen.
Besides, am I the only one that realises how sinister a whispered “don’t you dare close your eyes” sounds while being taken for a ride on his magic carpet? If it had been me, I would have set my pet tiger on him.
The Little Mermaid
In The Little Mermaid, the newly mute Ariel must kiss the prince within three days to avoid becoming the property of the wicked Ursula. Despite having a chorus of dancing crabs (practise safe sex guys), she never manages to kiss him and Eric has to rescue her.
Why didn’t she just jump on his lips the minute she saw him and just explain everything later? I doubt he would have minded; who wouldn’t want a cheeky snog with a beautiful red head wearing hardly any clothing?
The princes would look different
Disney princesses wanted Prince Charming; the ridiculously handsome man with the big castle that would protect her from the dragons and defend her honour. To me this seems a little out-dated, and dare I say it, a little bit sexist.
I prefer a geeky boy any day of the week. I don’t want to be given a castle, I want to earn it. And I can defend my own honour thank you very much.
Happily ever after?
In this day and age, when the prince pops the question and the big wedding day arrives, our real princesses are upstaged by a bridesmaids’ perfectly formed arse, so maybe the Disney world isn’t so bad after all.
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