After hearing the news that my contract at work would not be extended past the end of July, I had a crushing realization. It was not that I would soon be out of work and having to sell my services to strangers to survive (graphic design services). Nor was it the possibility of having to move my life to get another job. No, it was that I was fast running out of time to win the War on Spam.

As some of you may know, I receive an unbelievable amount of spam calls while at work. In fact, I wrote about it for the High Tea Cast not too long ago. If you didn’t see it before, click these conveniently pink words to see how the war began. Instead of killing Archduke Franz Ferdinand, I killed Mr Evans, or at least I tried.

Allow me to give you a brief conflict report to bring you up to speed with the war on spammy terror. The calculating enemy has continued to call asking for Mr Evans with alarming regularity. They are relentless in their telecommunications attacks, calling at least four times a day. My efforts have been rewarded in several hang-ups at the very sound of my voice. I am clearly spreading fear through their ranks. That being said, the bold generals persist and will not give up.

“Hello there Mr Evans, I am conducting a quick survey of houses in your area, do you mind if I ask you a few questions.”

“Why not at all, but I am not Mr Evans, he is a non existent being with no life force”

“Oh I see… Who am I speaking to?”

“Phil”

“And your surname?”

“Collins. Phil Collins”

“Could you spell that for me Mr Collins?”

“C for Collins, O as in the O after the C in Collins, L…” at this point I lost composure and fell into a fit of laughter and had to hang up.

But this one call made me realize more opportunities. My time in the office is drawing to a close, and this means I need to make the most of every chance I get. For example, I could have continued to the questions and tell him that I own a stu-stu-studio-oh-oh apartment. Maybe I could tell him I had a premonition that he would call, that I could feel it coming in the air tonight.  Speaking with him on the phone was like another day in paradise. After that I run thin on Phil Collins songs I know, so will need to have scared him off by that point.

More obvious and more confusing fun would be using the crazy ABCs in the spelling. How do you spell Collins? Ok, got a pen? C for Czar, O for Ouija board, L for llama, note the two L’s, I for irk N for neonomianism and S for Szar, a lovely German river. Or should I wish to totally forgo subtlety X for Xenithar, T for tiny testicles, I for introvert racists, double L in honor of the Welsh love of consonants, A for anus, M for those pesky Mongolians, Z for Facebook’s founder and a silent Q at the end, two U’s and a P. Now spell it back for me?

At dawn, we ride, to victory!

I have actually put one caller indefinitely on hold while I place the phone next to my laptop’s speakers, leaving the song Friday by Jessica Black on repeat and waiting for them to hang up. I was particularly pleased with that effort.

So many ideas, so little time. Here are a few other quick ideas I have to use by the end of the month:

  1. On hearing “is Mr Evans there?” drop the phone to the table and shout “They’ve found us, pack it up, delete the evidence, we have less than 30 mins before they are on us”
  2. Childishly repeat every single word they say
  3. Go along with their questions until the end before booming “it’s all lies, they’re not even square”
  4. Ask them what they’re wearing and declare how much that works for you
  5. Challenge them with legal action, question the legality and morality of what they are doing then smugly and calmly say “lawyered”

My war is reaching its climax, but one thing is certain. I will not accept defeat. I will go down fighting. These spam callers will rue the day they picked up the phone and some may even question their place in the world. The name Mr Evans will forever be burned into their memory as psychological scars. This will be my greatest triumph.

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