I have never been a connoisseur of culture or a phenomenon of fashion, nor have I ever claimed to be. In fact I openly say that the world of fashion scares and bemuses me in equal measure. So recently when I awoke to the mutterings of an all male fashion show on BBC Breakfast, I was hesitant to open my eyes. This news grabbed me with the same level of excitement as the announcement of Jedward’s latest tour and felt unworthy of my attention.
Unfortunately, it was a workday and that meant that my pathetic need for money required my eyes to open and prepare for another day. How I wish I’d kept my eyes closed just five minutes more. The TV managed to crystalize everything that scares me about fashion as I awoke from a dream into a nightmare.
As I reeled from the psycho ninja panda nutter mannequin, it raised a few questions. The first question was, what the heckins is that? Secondly, what the hell is wrong with fashion? I have already answered the first question; it was a psycho ninja panda nutter. The second question is a considerably more difficult one to tackle.
Not too long ago, the model Kate Upton was decried on some Internet forums as “too fat to be a model”. In a fashion sense, they are probably right. She doesn’t look critically malnourished, as a result, probably doesn’t fit the bill for a lot of modeling jobs. But as a very attractive lady with curves (Kate Upton, not me, although I am fabulous), I don’t think Kate needs to be too concerned about the attacks from the anorexic trolls of the web. The elite fashion world is a rather awful place, filled disgraceful human beings who deserve only as much oxygen as they are willing to eat – none.
But it is the world of men’s fashion that concerns me today. And who wouldn’t be concerned after seeing that panda? This startling image set my mind into action and I started putting the pieces together. I came to the conclusion that men’s fashion is shit. I know that may seem a pretty simple observation with a simple thought process, but if you need me to elaborate, it is shit and mindnumbingly stupid.
There is one very obvious trend in men’s fashion right now, and that is women. Not just any women, they are semi naked or completely billy-bollocks (naked). Next time you walk past the men’s section in a clothing store, just observe how many t-shirts have gratuitous lady parts on show. I walked past one shop recently, which had 4 of the 6 display t-shirts with images showing so much boobage that I’m sure I spotted an areola, the M25 of nipples.
Burton had Rhianna and Pamela Anderson proudly on show for fans of awful music and silicone respectively. Another shop had a completely naked woman holding a horrific smiley face over her possibly smiling face. The t-shirt racks of Republic and Topshop were akin to the top shelf of your local newsagent and even Next were getting in on the skin fest. It was like shopping at Hugh Heffner’s mansion.
What kind of message are these shirts trying to communicate? Firstly and most unlikely, women simply love seeing scantily clad women on men. I mean what woman in her right mind wouldn’t love to see other naked women draped across her boyfriend’s chest? Maybe gay men ironically enjoy seeing their ideal man with images of women barely covering their ladygarden? Possibly this is an ill-conceived attempt of a straight man trying to attract a lesbian. Or finally and most probably, men believe that by adorning themselves in images of the beautiful women they desire, magically these women appear and lustfully pursue them; much in the way that by pulling on a Man Utd kit will get you called up to play alongside Rayne Wooney.
I would love to know the real logic behind these shirts and maybe someone can enlighten me. Until I receive a satisfactory explanation, and possibly even after that, I shall continue to dismiss the “lady shirt” as the preferred attire of oblivious cretins. To distinguish myself from the d-bags, I will to continue to wear my Bill Fucking Murray (actual name) T-shirt. My reasoning? Bill Murray is awesome. And if you disagree, we cannot be friends.
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