Some could say the job search could be going better. Here are the things I would rather do, than send off one more job application.
1) Stick my hand in a toaster and turn it on
Have you ever felt the red-hot heat of a job application rejection land in your email? Stick your hand in a toaster. It burns less.
2) Hammer rusty nails into my arm
I’d rather this then answer one more “But how do you work as a team” type question. Anyway you like. I’ll do anything. Please I beg you JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME.
3) Go skinny-dipping in the Antarctic
What’s a light, bracing swim with nothing on compared to the vast empty coldness that is the job market. Sign me up. I’ll swim like a penguin and everything.
4) Spend 24 hours talking to a self service machine from a supermarket
Because having the conversation THERE IS NOTHING IN THE BLOODY BAGGING AREA for 24 hours solid must be more fun than the I’M QUALIFIED FOR THIS JOB EMPLOY ME ALREADY. Though, it is a close call.
5) Have a full body wax
It would be more fun to have every single hair ripped from my body and be bald for a while than have to wrestle with online applications.
6) Watch every single episode of the BBC sitcom My Family
Less painful to watch people attempt to be funny and fail, than ever having to redo your CV for what feel the 500th time in a month. And you never know, maybe there is a funny episode of My Family out there. Live in hope.
7) Be eaten by zombies
At least there would be life prospects of being the shuffling undead after the being eaten part. Better than the life prospects I have now. Stupid recession ruining life chances.
8) Actually live the reoccurring nightmare that I’m naked at school
You would be at school, and therefore not have to worry about employment. Yeah you’re naked too, but maybe the trend will catch on then you won’t be the only one
9) Talk to my ex boyfriend
“Oh hey John, wow I can’t believe your toe nail clippings service never took off. What you still live in your Mums basement? And you can prove the moon landings were fake? It sounds fascinating, please tell me more”.
10) Be David Cameron
Yeah I would be a smug shiny asshole that really has no clue how to run a country. But I would be an employed smug shiny asshole who has the job of not knowing how to run a country.
I dedicate this to everyone who is trying to find a job at the moment. Feel free to inform me what you would rather do than have to job hunt.
BTW don’t do those above things at home/anywhere. They all end badly. Well, maybe apart from the whole be David Cameron thing. What the hell, maybe we will do a better job than he is doing.
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