At least I thought I had, but then I woke up into a living Stygian nightmare. The worst has come to pass and my last blog wasn’t just part of my imagination. Turns out that music these days really is as depressingly bad as we feared.

I Have A Dream

If you have read my last blog, you will have already witnessed what may come across as a mental breakdown over an inane Beyonce song that butchered my very sense of logic. A song that took a whole six people to write. People with names like Switch, Diplo, Bondrummax 5000, Little Timmy Pipkins MKII from da hood and Tersius “The Dream” Nash. I’ll let you guess which of those I made up.

But the nauseating reality is, Mr Tersius Nash actually does refer to himself as “The Dream”. When I was writing my last blog, I got particularly upset that someone would refer to himself in this self-serving, grandiose, circle-jerk of a name. So upset that I decided to direct my bile at him in this blog. To Wikipedia!

Putting aside his rather sad personal life, for instance he had 3 kids with someone and separated from them citing “I didn’t know how much love and knowledge it would take to keep a relationship together. I learned the hard way.” See how I put that aside? He also had another kid with Christina Milian and then split because he was spotted vacationing with his assistant. But that’s neither here nor there. Now hopefully, you dislike him as much as I do.

But back to the music as that is what this blog really is about. The Dream was once described as re-inventing the R&B genre as a mythological epic, by someone who clearly doesn’t understand the meanings of these words. But I needed to look no further than one of the opening lines of his wiki page to get the full picture:

He is known for co-writing chart topping hits such as “Baby” for Justin Bieber, “Umbrella” for Rihanna and “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It) for Beyonce”

What a contribution to the world of music. Not to mention the Who Run The World drivel from the previous blog. Now what do these songs all have in common other than being unbearable methods of torture? He says female empowerment, which would explain why he worked with the little chipmunk lesbian Justin Bieber. But I think it is something much more simple. Repetition and random noises. You know I speak da trooth.

I suffered for what I am about to present you. To give you a detailed breakdown of the songs on offer here, I sat watching the youtube videos with a stopwatch to time the content of the songs (I have included the chorus as repetition in the breakdown for obvious reasons)

 

Justin Bieber – Baby (3:30)

Notable Lyrics: Baby, baby, baby ohhhh. Baby, baby, baby ohhhh.

2:32 repetition, noise making and Ludacris killing his reputation 61%

58 seconds of actual music

 

Beyonce – Single Ladies (3:19)

Notable Lyrics: Whoa oh ohhh, oh oh ohhh oh oh, ohhhh, oh oh ohhhh, oh oh

2:08 Repetition and noise making 64%

71 seconds of actual music

 

Rhianna – Umbrella (3:45)

Notable Lyrics: Umbrella, ella, ella, eh eh eh, under my umbrella ella ella, eh eh eh eh eh eh

2:38 Repetition and noise making 70%

67 seconds of actual music

 

Great stuff Tersius. I refuse to call you The Dream. I had to watch Justin Bieber partly harass and partly stalk a girl in a bowling alley for this. I had to watch Beyonce dance around like an utter burke for this. I had to watch Rhianna talking about fucking umbrellas for two minutes and thirty-eight seconds non-stop for this! Least effective precipitation protection sales person ever.

 

Please stop making music. You are clearly very bad at it.

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