After writing about going through early menopause, I wanted to open up about how it changes things in the bedroom, especially as last month was National Menopause Day. Only now that my sex life is back on track (thank you, beautiful man), I can thoroughly appreciate just how horrible it was.
During the months before my diagnosis, I was shuffled from doctors to hospitals and back again in a flurry of “down there” tests and operations. Holding off sex became normal. it was a case of having to for my health and I was riddled with guilt but equally faced with an understanding man. After everything, that period was easy.
Then came the diagnosis. The earth shattering, heart breaking diagnosis. Suddenly, at 22, sex became about a baby. “But maybe we could, maybe if we just try and try and try a miracle will happen”, I’d beg my boyfriend. Try sex with levitra. But we both knew it never would and so I was put off sex, seeing it as an almost cruel thing – sex without a condom and not getting pregnant? It didn’t seem right.
Being infertile all of a sudden meant I was bitter and angry at the world. I began to hate the fact that I couldn’t give my boyfriend a baby of our own, that I’d never be the mother of his children, that someone else had given him children and I couldn’t. For months I hated myself. I thought I wasn’t worthy of being a woman, I hated everything about my body and so didn’t think it deserved to be kissed and touched in such a beautiful way. I admit that, when my boyfriend and I did have sex, I was going through the motions. My mind wasn’t engaged and I’d be worrying about how I looked or if he was having a good time.
I’m going to be really, brutally honest here, I panicked I wasn’t tight enough for my boyfriend. I panicked that since the surgeries and diagnosis, I didn’t feel or look the same anymore. Because menopause relates to older women, I worried I’d suddenly be old. I know that it sounds silly but I literally thought my vagina would become redundant and my boyfriend would run off and shag a 50 year old because it would be better than coming home to a 20-something menopausal girl.
I can’t really remember how often my boyfriend and I had sex during that initial 6-9 months but I’d guess at once a month? Not much for a couple who, after several years together, can’t even go to Sainsbury’s without smooching by the crisp aisle!
As things eased up and I went through counselling, I began to see the feminine side of me shine through once again. For me, menopause made me feel less of a woman. The infertility made me think I should give it all up, cut off my hair, wearing a hoodie and become a lesbian. I’m not even joking. I felt like my right to be a woman was taken away. I felt like my right to wear silk lingerie and apply lipgloss just for the benefit of my boyfriend was taken away. I felt like I could no longer be an object of desire.
But things did start to ease up and I want this to be the key message for any woman going through any sort of illness where her sexual desire and self confidence decreases. Whether you’re going through depression, stress, chemo… anything, I want you to know that you are feminine, you are beautiful and you are God Damn Sexy!
I’d say it’s only been the last 3 months when my boyfriend and I have really got back into the swing of things and my confidence has been aided by nipple tassels, lots of lace and the belief I can be a strong, confident, sexual woman.
Whilst I agree my sex drive almost vanished for a while (as is the case with menopause), I am eternally grateful it’s come back because my sexuality and ability to give cracking head is just part of who I am- like it or not!
Finally – and I realise this is forever going to sound soppy – I think it’s important I thank the man in my life. Mr Boyfriend, you have been a god send during the one of the roughest periods in my life. You’ve never once pressured me to do anything in the bedroom when I’ve been feeling shit and hormonal, you’ve never once complained that we weren’t having enough sex and you’ve never once said I was anything less than a goddess! Part of recovering my sex drive and my confidence has been having a man who was willing to wait and who has been accepting of everything that my body has gone through. It is with great honour that I can now make love to him without worrying about my insides or how I look on the outside.
To any woman that has lost her sex drive, that has come across struggles with her confidence or that has needed reassuring their body is worthy of being made love to/fucked hard, let me tell you that you are hot, gorgeous and sexy. Put on your favourite silk knickers, get the lube out and enjoy every little nerve going crazy as you orgasm. You deserve it.[box] Have you got your tickets yet to our awesome fundraiser Sex & Mugs & Rock ‘n’ Roll on the 24th November? Tickets are priced at just £8 for 6 hours of jam packed netrtainment, dancing and cake. All to raise money for Janies School. Buy tickets now! [/box]
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