There are times when you are watching TV and an advert annoys you so much that you start noticing things about similar adverts and feel the need to write about it so you can vent before exploding like a big bile bomb. This is one of those times.

The advert in question – Joop, Homme Wild

By name you may not recognize it as it really isn’t worth paying attention to. I like Joop as a fragrance. Well I like their Jump fragrance because when I spray it, I hear Van Halen in my head. Sometimes I do “go on and jump”, but get too excited and spray the aftershave in my face and feel the burn. But if I was to recite a bit of this “Wild” advert, you may recognize it.

*In a strange grizzly voice* – “Gooood, baaaad, gooood, baaaaad”, and just in case that didn’t clear it up, here’s the advert in all it’s sloppy glory.

Now to me, this seems like an advert inspired by an episode of Sesame Street. Now kids, today we are going to learn about good and bad. Only this advert is brought to you by the letters F and U. I suppose this is meant to make men want to buy the product as that is what advertising is generally about. So what better way to advertise to men than use some pretty purple lighting and have a guy acting like an utter twonk. Because that is the kind of man who would tattoo good and bad on his knuckles and think that by wearing a businesslike shirt makes him a good person. A twonk.

So yeah. This advert annoyed me. A lot. But it didn’t just do that, it made me start paying attention to other crap perfume adverts. And by crap perfume adverts, I mean perfume adverts. These adverts are such appalling money vacuums. They pretty much all share the same kind of script, they might as well make 3 stock adverts and just change the name at the end with the appropriate product. It will save them millions.

He looks at her.

She looks at him.

He looks lustfully at her.

She looks coyly at him.

He takes his top off.

She smiles.

Wanque, by Emporio Armani

This probably sums up about 80% of the perfume adverts on TV. This is my unisex stock advert. Use it for perfume or aftershave, I don’t care. The format is as riddled with clichés as Lance Armstrong is with doping allegations. There is one where Natalie Portman shows off some Christian Dior smelly water. The typical frenchy music plays in the background, Natalie rolls around as if she is spooning with the bottle. Magical.

Even Lynx, the smell of teenage desperation, is more inventive with its advertising. You would imagine all these premium luxury brands would do something a little bit more….. not shit. Use the Old Spice adverts as an example, he’s on a goddamed horse. That advert is brilliant. Just google “I’m on a horse” if you haven’t seen it. Now.

To show some kind of balance, maybe not all adverts are the same. Just look at Lady Ga Ga’s freaking nightmare of an advert. But this is coming from a woman who wore a meat suit, so you’d expect no less. She is Hannibal Lecter’s  fantasy made real after all.

Perfume advertisers, sort it out.

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