In case you all had not noticed, we on The High Tea Cast writing staff are just that little bit mad. What you don’t get to see is our staff Facebook page, where, as well as discussing Team Tea business we share amusing articles, go off for a little bit of a rant and most importantly share amusing pictures of cats. The other day, what started as a relatively harmless thread on what Hogwarts houses we declared we belonged to, and my question as to why no one else wanted to be in Slytherin with me (totally the most badass house), spiraled into a discussion of the virtues of various Harry Potter characters, namely how dissatisfied I was with J.K.Rowling’s ending to the series of books that you could basically use to sum up my entire childhood. It was suggested that I should write an alternate Harry Potter ending, so this is what you’re about to read:

Harry Potter
Severus Snape blinked. Everything around him was a brilliant and blinding white. Is this finally it then, death? He thought to himself. He blinked again.

“Professor!” A voice somewhere very close by shrieked. Was that… Granger? Does that mean that she was dead too, all of them, the Weasley boy, and Potter? POTTER! Lily’s son… In a panic he blinked for a third time, and everything around him started to come into a bit more focus. If this is death, he thought to himself, it looks terribly like St. Mungos. It was Grangers voice. She was standing by the bed he was lying in, looming over him. The battered old copy of Hogwarts: A History she had clearly been reading only moments ago lay abandoned on the arm of a cushy arm chair by his bed that she had blatantly transfigured out of your average hard, plastic hospital chair. 

“What happened? Where am I? Potter… The Dark Lord!” He asked quickly, his eyes narrowing at his former student in an attempt to mask the panic that had started flooding through him when he remembered what had been happening just before he’d thought he’d died.

“It was the anti venom, Professor. The one you developed for Arthur Weasley when he was attacked guarding the Department of Mysteries last year. I’ve been carrying it around with me for months; I knew we were going to have to face You-Know-Who in the end and I thought he might have Nagini with him. I gave it to you just after you gave Harry your memories.” 

The memories! The reminder of what he had thought had been his last moments sent Snape into a panic all over again. How many people exactly had Potter shown his memories to? He cringed inwardly at the idea of the entire Wizarding World being privy to his love for Lily Evans. “I gave you a blood replenishing potion as well, Professor and put some dittany on your…” She trailed off, staring pointedly at the spot on his neck where Nagini’s fangs had pierced his waxy white flesh. Snape raised his hand to the spot but all he could feel were bandages. He sank back into his pillows, looking away from his former students face, his eyes flicking back up to the blank ceiling. Against all the odds, he had survived, and Hermione Granger, Potter’s bushy haired, buck toothed, insufferable know-it-all friend had saved his life.

 

Severus Snape really should have survived, and whilst he would have been rather uncomfortable with being held up as a hero by the rest of the Wizarding World, and with everyone knowing about Lily, as the memories would be the only thing that could keep him out of Azkaban when he would have been put on trial as a Death Eater, I don’t think he deserved to die, especially like he did.

I think the most dissatisfying, and the most real world illogical part of the Deathly Hallows Epilogue was the idea that Ron and Hermione eventually ended up together. If Ron and Hermione ‘shippers will just be quiet and let me explain, if you think about it they are very badly suited to each other. All Ron ever talks about is Quidditch, and while he is not exactly stupid, he is the weakest of the trio and compared to Hermione’s surmountable intellect basically has the intelligence of your average blast ended skrewt. Don’t get me wrong, I do like Ron, and he deserves a nice wife who I think would be content to sit at home, cook for him and push out the next generation of red headed Weasley’s (a retired member of the Holyhead Harpies perhaps?), but that person is not Hermione. As for the only person in the Harry Potter universe who I think could be a good intellectual match for Hermione, again, please don’t shoot me until you’ve thought it through…

 

It was almost 12 months to the day after Professor Snape had woken up after the Final Battle in St. Mungos, and by invitation of Minerva McGonagall, the new Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Hermione Granger was making her way up to the great front doors of the castle from where she had apperated just on the edge of Hogwarts grounds. The reason for her vist was to see the new renovations to the castle and grounds now the castle had been fully repaired and was soon about to open to students once more come September 1st, but she was also hoping to catch a glimpse of her moody Potions Professor, whom she had not seen since he had been cleared at trial, but whom according to The Daily Prophet would be returning to his old post of Potions Master.

———-

After a tour of the castle and grounds, Professor McGonagall had invited Hermione into the Great Hall with its magical ceiling completely restored, to dine up at the staff table with the rest of the teachers. When they had sat down to eat, the Headmistress could see that her Potions Master had been noticeably disgruntled to have his former student seated next to him, but by the time they had worked their way towards dessert she was pleasantly surprised to find the two deep in discussion about the differing uses of Boomslang Skin in potion making.

The way Severus was leaning towards Hermione slightly as he listened to what she had to say, and the way his young companion seemed to be hanging on his every word… I wonder? She thought to herself. They were two of the most intelligent and magically skilled people Minerva had ever met, and given time she decided, the former Headmaster and the young witch she was planning of offering the job of Transfiguration Professor to could be good for each other. He deserved some happiness after all, now he seemed to finally be letting go of Lily Potter. There really was not any other witches or wizards she could think of that their unique qualities of loyalty and intellect would be better suited to.

 

Some of the characters whose endings I was happy with where Harry & Ginny. Okay, it was a bit sappy, and they really ought to have thought how badly their children would have been teased when they finally got to Hogwarts with names like that, but they could not really end up with anyone else but each other. I also think Neville would make an awesome Herbology Professor, as long as he had learnt by the time he took his NEWT’s that you’re supped to put your earmuffs on before taking the seedling mandrakes out of their pots. I’m also pretty happy with the ending Albus Dumbledore met. Yes, he was a great wizard, but really the clues he left Harry, Ron and Hermione to follow in order to find the Deathly Hallows, and in order to find and destroy Lord Voldemorts remaining Horcruxes were pretty vague, and he could have kept the fact that Harry was the final Horcrux from him yet still give them more to go on so they were not in the dark to such an extent. And all that stuff in the past? His brother had the right measure of him. Honestly, I don’t think he deserved a shiny white tomb on the Hogwarts grounds. Meddling old codger.

Finally, in the words of Luna Lovegood, who after the great Bat of the Dungeons is the second most awesome character J.K.Rowling created and I hope went on to be the next editor of The Quibbler like her father before her, if like a positive kind of Thestral, you can see the simple good sense in my alternate ending scenarios: “Don’t worry. You’re just as sane as I am” and you’ll offer to aid me in discovering if any Time Turners survived the mess Harry and his friends made in the Department of Mysteries so I can go back and fix this whole thing.

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