If you aren’t tuned into a BBC channel, watching TV can be a very painful experience. I am not saying this to promote the programming of the BBC, the pain comes on commercial channels during the ad breaks.

I enjoy clever advertising. It is an art form perfected by few, which becomes even more apparent when you think about the crap we get bombarded by on TV today. The vast majority of advertising on TV today is such loathsome garbage that makes me feel the need to punch the TV with my face repeatedly until the voice stops telling me about PPI and boldly saying “FACT”.

Rubbish advertising

So I present to you a selection of the crappest adverts on TV today. I hasten to add I will not be including personal injury, PPI, bingo or betting adverts as they are such awful advertising bogs that each one would need their own dissertation to document just how much I hate them. Welcome to CRAPVERTS.

McDonalds

McDonalds have recently been trying to market themselves on a more personal level. Apparently “we all have McDonalds in common” so it is the perfect place to divulge such important information like “you are going to be an auntie” over an appalling cup of instant coffee.

Their most recent advert goes even further showing a mum telling her son that she wants to invite her boyfriend Dave to move in with them. This should be an emotional message about a kid learning to accept Dave, but this is lost on me. This northern mopey kid rejects the new father figure’s attempts to accept him at every opportunity. Borrow them if you like… nah y’alright, want me to help you fix your bike? … nah y’alright, want to stop being a mopey git? … nah y’alright.

It’s only when they run out of food due to an irresponsible level of planning that the kid overhears Dave say “looks like it’s Maccy D’s tonight” to this the kid finally mutters “y’alright”.

The moral of the story – You will sell your loyalty and your soul for a McNugget. Forget him being a good guy and trying to gain acceptance and offering his friendship, all it takes is a Big Mac.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=trqdYTtx6XI?rel=0&w=500&h=281]

Dulux

Here’s the scene. There is a guy painting his bedroom pink, his housemates ridicule him mercilessly as obviously pink is “not a colour for a real man”. So far so reductive, but there is more to come.

Awwwww yissss, it’s party night and we got dem sweet tunes banging, but wait… where all them fine honeys at bro? It’s just us four guys sitting around, where’s Pink Patrick? That poor colour challenged fool.

They go upstairs to the pink paradise to find “Patrick” surrounded by girls dancing and partying the night away. What is the reason for his success? PINK! Why? Because women are attracted to pink things. Or so Dulux seem to think. I bet the boys rooms were painted blue with hunting implements hung on the walls.

Thanks Dulux for propagating gender stereotypes to sell your wares.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8GQKV_Z_mI?rel=0&w=500&h=281]

Andrex

This is the most bizarre ad campaign I have ever witnessed. Andrex wants to know if you scrunch or fold. You read that right, Andrex wants to intimately know how you wipe your arse. They even paid Rob Brydan to put his voice to the TV advert.

Normally these companies will say how soft and environmentally friendly their product is. I know what the product is and what it will be used for, but I don’t want it rubbed in my face (so to speak). They seriously want people to visit their website to vote for their favored method of toilet based wiping.

It hurts my brain knowing they paid an advertising company to come up with this campaign. It hurts more trying to imagine how that meeting went. But it hurts the most knowing that some people scrunch.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dBYzgW7xjk?rel=0&w=500&h=281]

Cash Lady

Remember Kerry Katona? You know, the Atomic Kitten who went on a drugs binge and had to file for bankruptcy. Oh that Kerry Katona! Well now she is fronting Cash Lady, a payday loan company. You know, the companies that give desperate people loans with APR rates of 2670%. Ohhh, loan sharks! Gotcha.

Katona is now the “financially responsible” face of one of these companies, using her previous money problems as a selling tool. I guess she’s had money problems, now you can too thanks to Cash Lady! Now you too can take out a £50 loan, be unable to repay and have your house taken away. It’s all so glamorous this celebrity lifestyle.

Payday loan companies are vultures and their adverts are sickening enough as they are. But putting someone so financially inhibited as Katona defies even the most basic levels of common sense. It’s like using Jedward to promote Mensa.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMMwDWI_nWY?rel=0&w=500&h=281]

What are your most loathed adverts?

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