The dirty weekend or night away is quite a cliche when it comes to ideas for spicing up one’s sex life. It seems women’s magazines are always suggesting we bonk in the kitchen, try some light spanking and give the kids to granny so we can drive off into the sunset of a Hilton Hotel and spend the night at it like rabbits.

Hotel

I’ve always believed that that’s all bullshit. Why does one need to shack up in a hotel room which probably has mould on the sink and where you’re probably more interested in nicking the tiny bottles of shampoo than whipping off your knickers? When it comes to a night away, surely the haven of cotton bathrobes, a lie in and a fried brekkie is enough to send you into a state of relaxation as opposed to permanent arousal? Sure, I’ve enjoyed the odd £90 a night love-in with a boyfriend in the past but I’m not sure I’ve ever seen the appeal of the dirty night away. I’ve always thought it would leave me feeling pressured to preform for that one night where all sense is lost and we cover the room in champagne, lube and cum.

But I have something to admit. I’m off for a “hotel fuck-fest” (as he calls it) this very month. By the time you’ve read this I’ll have either spent the whole night getting more sore with every second or will have fallen asleep as Thursday night’s episode of Corrie played on the flatscreen TV. But I’m hoping it’s the former.

Last year my boyfriend and I headed off to Paris to celebrate my 23rd birthday in style and whilst the sex was lovely, it was interrupted with a Champs Elysees shopping spree induced leg cramp. Not sexy, especially when he doesn’t realise you’re screaming in pain and not pleasure for the first 20 seconds.

And then we headed off for a September luxury holiday where we did little but drink cocktails, act like idiots in the pool and eat prawns like there was no tomorrow. As a result, we were so chilled out and thankful to be (mostly) ignoring work for a week that lie-ins become more important than sex. And rightly so.

But in a post-coital daze, we recently jumped online and booked us in for a luxury night away at a rather lovely hotel (it’s in Birmingham, don’t get too excited). For me, I had visions of ordering room service and using the wet room for what it was designed for – the most relaxing hot shower ever. He, however, had other ideas.

So it comes to the point where I have an American Apparel gym bag packed with a paddle, a Lelo silk and suede eye mask and some rather delicious smelling lube. In a way, I’ve had to push past my ideas of relaxing and open my mind up to the fact this is a filthy night away whether I like it or not. As a sex columnist, you’re probably thinking I was crazy for my instant thought not to be about the four poster bed and how I can be tied to it, but I think most of us crave a night of phone off/room service/sleep if truth were known.

Despite living together and sex being on tap (well, not quite), I cannot express how excited I am to get away from our bedroom and take ourselves somewhere else. When the likes of Cosmopolitan and Glamour write how there’s nothing sexier than having sex in another location, I have to admit they’re right but it has been a long time since I’ve experienced being taken away just for pure sex and champagne. As I write this, there’s two weeks to go until the big night and it feels exciting again, it feels like we’re six weeks into dating over six years and suddenly that £200 per night room feels so worth it.

I’m now vowing to make sure my boyfriend and I have a filthy night or weekend away at least twice a year just to keep things exciting, fresh and to give next door a break from my usual three-times-a-week “harder, harder, fuck yes” screams.

If your budget doesn’t stretch to a luxury hotel and meal, why not try a country B&B? Sure you might have to keep the noise down a bit but I can tell you that being gagged is quite fun. And there’s always websites like Groupon which hold discounts on nights away, especially if you’re willing to stay midweek. There’s nothing sexier than knowing once the door closes on that hotel room, I’ll be being ravished by the man I fancied as soon as I set eyes on him.

And if I really need to order room service to satisfy my need? I’ll take a bottle of Moet and a rather large jug of chocolate sauce please!

Join our tribe

We promise to pop a whole host of good stuff into your inbox every Wednesday to brighten up your week. Can't say fairer than that now can we?

Thank you for subscribing.

Something went wrong.