howtobeadickonfacebook2

Facebook is a funny old place. We spend so much time on it…yet most people I know don’t really like it. It’s an oddly emotive place, full of people moaning about their day, boasting about how wonderful their life is (FYI, these are nearly always the people who are most miserable ‘in real life’) and people making little jabs at each other. If it wasn’t for work, birthday alerts and The High Tea Cast writers group, I probably wouldn’t even be on there.

I recently mentioned on Twitter that I’d noticed an increase in the number of people who had joint Facebook accounts with their partner. Because obviously, when you’re in a relationship, you’re the EXACT SAME PERSON. The general response was a collective “WTF?”.

It got me to thinking about all the other things that annoy me about Facebook. And annoy others. So I took to The High Tea Cast writers group, and asked for their input. Below are some of things the team came up with.

  • LOL – I mentally deduct 10 IQ points for anyone that uses this term on a regular basis. I deduct 30 if they use it as a form of punctuation. Embrace the full stop people.
  • Slacktivism – Aw, you’ve changed your status to a suggestive statement about the colour of your bra, that’s really a secret way to ‘raise awareness for *insert charity*? No, no you haven’t. You’ve been an attention-seeking knob. If you care about the charity, put your hand in your pocket or donate your time to them.
  • Baby Scan profile pictures – You’re having a baby, congratulations! Genuinely  But that grainy baby scan you’ve got as your profile pic is exactly the same as the two other people’s above you.
  • Children’s photos used as profile pictures – Creepy.
  • Pet’s photos used as profile pictures – Also creepy. Unless they’re wearing a hat. Funny pets are the exception to the rule.
  • People who direct their Facebook status at their child. Their one-year-old child. That one particularly grinds Christina Owen’s gears.
  • Game requests – Confession time, I’ve developed a Candy Crush addiction. But I’m not about to repeatedly invite you to play. It’s the online version of yelling “Play Monopoly with me. Play with me. PLAY WITH ME”
  • Guilt-trip shares – ‘Like this if you love being a mum’ Of course! Because if you don’t, you hate every second of it. Marvellous. See also ‘Share this if you support our troops’ and (as HTC writer Glenn puts it) ‘Repost if you care, I’m sure most of you wont… If you don’t your aunt will lose a finger.’
  • Ignorant insults – HTC writer Elizabeth gets the rage every time she sees ‘gay’ thrown around as an insult on Facebook.
  • Bully buddies – *Friend request from douchebag who bullied you throughout high school but now thinks it’s appropriate to befriend you virtually* *Denied* (Although I might just accept for 5 minutes, check out how far down the toilet their life has gone, before removing them. Standard)
  • Mob culture – Recently, photos were shared round of two men who were apparently the Bulger killers. Except, there’s basically nothing to back that up. Just people ignorantly sharing anything they see and believing anything. If you’re going to share something, do your research first. Think before you get your rage on. What if you’re sharing photos of innocent people?
  • ‘Gahhhh Facebook is going to start charging unless you change this setting!’ – Really people? This has been going round for years, and you still keep falling for it. Shush now.
  • Life is so unfair types – “Waaaah could my day get worse? The coffee machine was broken, I got stuck at a traffic jam and my GHDs are broken!” Hey moaner, get some perspective. Those are not real problems. And it’s pretty offensive to those with real problems to be moaning about these things every day.
  • Overfamiliar types – If we haven’t spoken in over ten years, or the last time we spoke was at primary school, you don’t get to call me any of the following – babe, hun, sweetie, darlin’, baby.
  • Passive-aggressiveness – ‘Ahhhh, having the worst day!’ This is then followed by a comment from some concerned/nosy friend ‘U OK Hun?’ The reply will be, almost always, ‘can’t talk on here, will PM’ or ‘Yeah, fine, how are you?’ *Facepalm
  • Hashtags on Facebook – No.
  • Declarations of love – You love your man? He’s sitting right next to you? TELL HIM TO HIS FACE. In my experience, people who constantly declare their love to their partner on Facebook, often have a far rockier relationship offline.
  • Tagging – Aw you’re uploading old/drunk/unflattering photos of people and tagging them? What an excellent lesson in how to win friends and influence people…
  • Hourly updates – You’re cooking the dinner? You’re taking the dog for a walk? You’ve just woken up ‘lol’? Well, now I can sleep easy.
  • Public arguments on Facebook – Oh, who am I kidding. A public argument is even better than watching Hollyoaks.
  • People who use Facebook as Google – Need to know the next train time? Guess what – we’re not your unpaid PA! Google it.
  • Offensive content – Amazing how many opinions pop up on Facebook, that would never be uttered in real life. You ‘hate all immigrants’? Think rape is funny? Consider yourself de-friended you awful, awful person.
  • ‘X more sleeps until’ – This is cute if it starts two or three days before an event. If you’re starting it three years before an event, not so much.
  • ‘1 Million and I’ll name my son Superman’ – Another entry into the attention-seekers club.
  • ‘It’s complicated’ – Really? Is it? Is your life right out of a Jeremy Kyle episode? That’s really not something to be proud of.

So, those are just a few of the things that wind us up about Facebook. Obviously, no one is perfect, I know some of my friends find it irritating when I occasionally share a blog post. Everyone has their Facebook irratations.

What annoys you most on Facebook?

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