The Eurovision song contest has come and gone for another year and as expected, we didn’t do very well. Bonnie almost managed to double last year’s points tally, but the Hump didn’t exactly set the bar very high. In fact we could have matched 2012’s embarrassing score with top marks from a single country.

As much as we wanted to believe in Bonnie, and she gave it a good go, we knew we weren’t going to get anywhere near winning. But what can we take away from Eurovision this year (other than a hangover the following morning)?

The show is NOT politically rigged

If it were, we would have the same group of countries competing for the top spot and winning every single year. As much as the skeptics may hate to admit, a really well written and brilliantly performed song will take the glory. The Danish entry was a worthy winner with an enchanting flute hook, energetic drumming and really well performed lyrics. 


In the past 10 years we have had winners from 10 different countries from all over Europe, so it is time to accept political voting only has a limited impact.

Azerbaijan really is a European country

I thought they might have been pulling our leg last year, but it’s true. Azerbaijan is part of Europe. I hear Tibet is applying for membership next year.

Gimmicks only get you so far

Finland’s song may have been a bit of a bunny boiler anthem. Sung by a lady with crazy eyes that screamed and an inexplicable Las Vegas sign behind her proclaiming “Welcome to fabulous DING DONG”. Oh yes, and she kissed a girl at the end. I would have said it was playing dirty to try and get votes that way, but it wasn’t even a good kiss. You’ll see more passion between a man and a Greggs pasty on the high street. She may have kissed a girl, and she liked it, but the rest of Europe wasn’t as keen leaving her hanging in 24th place with a Humperdink beating 13 points. The kiss even went as far to offend Turkey so much, they wanted to ban the broadcast, but as Graham Norton said on the night, grow up.

This man is awesome


The vampy Romanian Cezar Ouatu seemed to not be burdened by testicles for his insane falsetto performance of his song It’s My Life. Finishing in a respectable enough 13th place, I couldn’t help but be disappointed he didn’t get more points. It’s a camp Dracula falsetto operatic performance that would make the Bee Gees blush with a dubstep breakdown to boot. DUBSTEP OPERA, what’s wrong with you Europe? Cezar, you had my vote.

The Bieber cut should never be a thing

It seems to be the go to hair styling for young male pop stars, including Roberto Bellarosa from Belgium. But look at it. Enough already. Should you wish to model yourselves on one of the most intolerable and insipid pop stars the planet has ever produced, you should not be allowed out in public.

There is a reason we never do well

Bonnie Tyler has enough sway throughout Europe that had she sung Total Eclipse of the Heart, she likely would have won by a landslide. The UK’s media has fallen out of love with Eurovision over the past decade and they ridicule the competition with every chance they get. As a result none of the best British musical talent wants to put themselves in the firing line.

Other countries tend to take the competition seriously, albeit with a pinch of salt. They put forward their up and coming stars and surprise surprise, they tend to do better than the UK who has a habit of finding singers whose golden days behind them.

I thank Bonnie for giving it her best; even if there is a chance she may have been drunk (to enjoy Eurovision alcohol is a necessity). But if we want to stand a chance of getting a higher points tally next year, we need to take it more seriously and the media must stop making Eurovision a poisoned chalice.

I suggest we get Ant and Dec ready to rumble Europe for 2014 and bring a bit more youth and energy to the competition. But honestly with our current record it would take reanimating Freddie Mercury to perform a duet with David Bowie for us to actually win. Scientists, your country needs you!


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