If you’ve had sex a few times, it’s likely there’s been one session that you have to tell someone about. Something you’ve had to share down the pub. Something that makes your toes curl in awkwardness. Something that occasionally stops you sleeping.

pope
Popey isn’t gonna like this article

Something embarrassing will happen in bed. It’s inevitable. There are too many pipes and toys and thrusts involved for that to not happen.

Before you swear yourself off all intercourse and sign up to your nearest convent in fear – I can cushion the blow for you. Because I bet you can’t have a sexual faux pas as big as any of my anonymous contributors… Strap up (or on?) ladies!

1. An egg-cellent time 

“At forty something, the female libido goes through the roof, so I sought some new things to try. I joined a well known website and met a guy who seemed nice – we decided to try a bit of BDSM.

We met at hotel. I was instructed on what to wear, including metal love eggs. By the time I arrived I was very hot under the collar as you can imagine. I was knicker-less as asked, and as I walked across the hotel lobby the eggs fell out because I’d got so turned on. Die of embarrassment was an understatement!”

2. Cumming or going?

“Whilst embarking on a little shower activity (NOT of the golden variety) I made my boyfriend pass out.

I like to think it was me, but it was more than likely the fact that we’d been fucking for a while and the bathroom was as hot as a sauna. To put it simply, he came and went – and now has a scar to prove it. It scared the shit out of me at the time, but now I can see the funny side.”

3. I nose best

“Midway through a session with a new partner, I could feel something a little odd and wet on my face. As I was turned away from him in the doggy style position, I was able to discreetly use my hand to feel what was going on – I was scared I’d been dribbling or something equally unladylike!

When I lifted my face from the pillow, everything was covered in blood. My nose had spontaneously burst into a bright red Niagara Falls. It was up my face, in my eyes, on my arms and when I got up it steadily dripped straight down my naked chest. We stopped so I could spend 25 minutes scrubbing nose blood out of my eyes, and I thought it appropriate to make a joke about vampire sex. I’m not sure he was amused.”

edward cullen
That wasn’t the time or the place, Edward.

4. A broken man

“I once fucked for so long and hard with my right foot on the floor that half of it blistered.

During the same session I moved position so that my feet where on the wall, and I managed to make a bookshelf topple onto us.  That’s not all though. After a certain amount of time my dick basically exploded and ripped open. Even worse, during this week of sex I didn’t realise I had the start of glandular fever. So during all this I kept getting flu-like symptoms. When I went to hospital I had inflamed my liver and spleen due to over exerting myself.

So basically, I had so much sex I had a bruise on my head, blister on my foot, broken dick and had to take 2.5 months off work cause. Now that’s a session.”

5. Achey breaky head

“I was a little sex starved and so was looking forward to a little rendezvous in a hotel with a certain gentleman.

I was like a rampant rabbit. I made him have sex five times… the only problem was he got such a bad headache from the blood pressure overload we had to call an ambulance. So I left him to it!”

6. Exit only

Glass_exit_sign

“A particularly rampant session of doggy style led to a very painful accident. My boyfriend was so carried away with putting all his strength into his thrusting, that he didn’t quite have the time to react when his penis slipped out and er… entered an exit.

It was so forceful that I passed clean out from the pain. When I came round I was so embarrassed that I hid in his bathroom for hours and wouldn’t come out.”

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