Just in case this week’s television highlight (aka THE FINAL) disappointed, here are some alternative outcomes to dream about if your subconscious really really hates you.

You couldn't make these two up.
You couldn’t make these two up.

The Sugar Games

Come at me, Peeta.
Come at me, Peeta.

Luisa, using her twin skills of communication and flattery, talks her way onto a team with the Careers. Surviving on a diet of human flesh and cupcake icing sucked from beneath her fingernails, she surrounds herself with a phalanx of stronger, angrier, denser teammates, each of whom eventually fall to the pointy fingers of enemies and the elements. When the surviving competitors are Luisa and two others only, Luisa’s killer instincts emerge.

Turning on her teammate, Luisa, tempts her into dancing off a cliff, but is unsuccessful. Thinking quickly, she asks her to think of a number. When her teammate responds “5 million”, she drops dead of her own accord. Leah, having employed tactics of camouflage (disguising herself as a flower, even though she is more intelligent and more cunning than a flower), simply waits out the action, receiving gifts of lip-gloss from the Capitol, neither killing nor being killed, until Game-maker maneuvers force them to meet. Leah hands Luisa poisonous berries and waits for Luisa to eat the fruit, then smiles glossily as she claims victory for herself. “Oh My Pow” she laughs to herself, as the hovercrafts descend.

The Apprentice and the Tidey Sideys

This represents the low-point in my writing career.
This represents the low-point in my writing career.

Luisa and Leah join forces to take down Lord Voldemortallyafraidofpoorpeople, who has been terrorizing the worlds of lenders and borrowers alike. After tracking down all 6 hidden bank accounts in the Cayman Islands, they locate the Lord taking cover in the London School of Economics. Armed only with Tidey Sideys, they face him down in the quad.

Leah is brought to her knees by a frantic incantation of overdrafts. Luisa stands as if to guard her body, but at the last moment, utilizing a spatula that materializes suddenly from inside the Tidey Sidey, cuts off her head. Voldemortallyafraidofpoorpeople staggers as Leah falls and Luisa quickly realizes that part of his soul lay in the concept of telling unhappy people that they are ugly, and that he alone can fix it. Luisa raises one quivering digit and intones “After all this time?” “Always” replies Lord Voldemortallyafraidofpoorpeople, as he explodes into a thousand Style Files notes.

Lord of the Sugar

And you thought the Wring Wraiths were scary.
And you thought the Wring Wraiths were scary.

Leah and Luisa enter Mount Doom, followed quietly by a thin, grey-haired, over-tanned figure with over-large eyes. “My precious…” whispers Leah, clutching to her breast a single furry hat. She approaches the mouth of the volcano, and lifts the hat high. She turns to Luisa, who sees, too late, the mania dancing in her fire-lit eyes – and places the hat on her head. Luisa’s eyes blur with tears, but even as she weeps, the thin figure launches itself from behind her, into the air, and onto Leah’s shoulders.

It’s Myles, screeching incoherently, who grabs the hat but falls into the flames. Luisa and Leah make good their escape on the backs of legal eagles, but Luisa has been changed. She leaves London, but finding herself possessed of the energy of Duracell bunny, finds no peace. Leah, left behind, turns a tidy profit creating pre-packaged elevenses, which she never tastes first.

Did you enjoy The Apprentice final this week?

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