It’s fair to say that the world of sex and fetishes can be a dark and scary place for those who love their playtime vanilla-flavoured. For many girls like me, the words “sex toys” conjure up images of overpriced rabbits and bullet-shaped vibrators, but nothing much outside of that spectrum. Anal beads? Butt plugs? Double-ended thimgamejigs? No thank you, not today. Fair play to those who do get a little more creative, but for me it all sounds like a bit of a hassle which would lead to much embarrassed fumbling and exclamations of “where does this go?!”.

Cut to a giggly evening spent on my sofa with some friends, curiously browsing sex toy websites on my iPad (I have absolutely no recollection of how this began). There was the usual, the not-so-usual and the down-right frightening. So without further ado, ladies and gentleman, here’s a list of sex toys that made us scream with laughter and pant-wettingly (pun intended) terrified.

Sqweel

It looks like some kind of massager. Which, actually, is sort of what it is. The Sqweel has a little rubber tongue that rotates for the laziest kind of oral sex. I really don’t think I could bring myself to put it anywhere near me without freaking out. What if I got caught in it, somehow?! The white version also looks a little like a baby monitor, which would kill any kind of mood as soon as it was produced. No. Don’t be lazy. Await an actual, live, human tongue that is capable of more than one motion.

strap-ons

Strap-ons, fair enough. Strap-ons that look like scary aquatic creatures, not-so-much. It’s probably a bad image but the toy on the right looks like an octopus that’s hungry for genitals, and a dolphin? Really? I don’t even know what to say about it. It’s a child’s bath toy.

the-accommodator

On the subject of strap-ons… what in the name of Zeus’ beard is this?! Are you really telling me that anybody could survive seeing somebody coming towards them with that on their chin without laughing so much they wet themselves? ON said person? I can understand the point behind it but… The Accommodator is nightmarishly hilarious. I’m sure it’s very accommodating, but unfortunately I don’t see myself getting past the phase where it’s mostly just creepyfunny.

scorpion-spider-vibrators

For those of you who aren’t scared of insects, you can have a black widow spider or scorpion tickle your bits. I’ll leave these to people who wouldn’t run away screaming at the sight of a scorpion in their bed.

lady-lump

I always thought pumps were just something that spammers sent emails about to get your card details. Who’d have known that there are actually about 7 pages of them on LoveHoney? Probably everyone except me.

cupcake vibrator

And finally: the cupcake vibrator. There’s been a fair amount of coverage and debate about this recently; some people love that you can pop it on your bedside table without anybody suspecting, and some dislike that it looks like a toy that your little sister might leave laying around. I’m a fan of the spotty tin but I don’t think the pink icing floats my boat.

What do you think of alternative sex toys?

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