1. Allowing Jonathan Ross to strip you naked and look at you thoughtfully while nibbling on raw stalks of asparagus, nodding his head and proclaiming “Yeah. Yeah, I weally like that”.
2. Donning a white coat, growing a beard and convincing yourself that talking to stuffed animals on national television represents a comeback rather than proof positive of failure.
3. Climbing Mount Snowden with Katherine Jenkins, whilst she wonders aloud where on earth you are in a thin soprano whine.
4. Donning a neon jumpsuit and punching yourself repeatedly in the groin.
5. Listening to “500 Miles” on repeat, whilst simultaneously bouncing on a trampoline and eating sausages until you vomit.
6. Being forced to use a Kermit puppet as a masturbatory aid for the rest of your life.
7. Sitting under the desk during the X Factor auditions, shaving Louis Walsh’s ankles.
8. Ingesting your BBC Licence Fee in pound coins and passing them noisily, one by one, on the Victoria Line.
9. Putting Countdown on one television, A Muppet Christmas Carol on another, and The Jonathan Ross Show on a third, and gradually turning up the volume on all three until your eardrums explode.
10. Changing the channel and watching anything else.
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