1. Allowing Jonathan Ross to strip you naked and look at you thoughtfully while nibbling on raw stalks of asparagus, nodding his head and proclaiming “Yeah. Yeah, I weally like that”. 

It’s like he’s the Cookie Monster and you’re…

2. Donning a white coat, growing a beard and convincing yourself that talking to stuffed animals on national television represents a comeback rather than proof positive of failure.

This is what success looks like
This is what success looks like

3. Climbing Mount Snowden with Katherine Jenkins, whilst she wonders aloud where on earth you are in a thin soprano whine. 

Katherine Jenkins
“Where am I? Who am I?”

4. Donning a neon jumpsuit and punching yourself repeatedly in the groin.

There is no visual representation of this, so here’s a singing Scottish sausage

5. Listening to “500 Miles” on repeat, whilst simultaneously bouncing on a trampoline and eating sausages until you vomit.

Imagine something like this, subtract all the fun and add flying masticated meat

6. Being forced to use a Kermit puppet as a masturbatory aid for the rest of your life.

You’re actually looking forward to this, aren’t you

7. Sitting under the desk during the X Factor auditions, shaving Louis Walsh’s ankles. 


8. Ingesting your BBC Licence Fee in pound coins and passing them noisily, one by one, on the Victoria Line. 

Pound coin
Just 145 of these bad boys

9. Putting Countdown on one television, A Muppet Christmas Carol on another, and The Jonathan Ross Show on a third, and gradually turning up the volume on all three until your eardrums explode.

Ear drum muppet
That’s actually how Beaker ended up this way

10. Changing the channel and watching anything else

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