We all know where to find the infamous Sidebar of Shame so I don’t need to point you in the very obvious direction. However, have you noticed that they have their own language to compliment the engaging articles that are featured in that ever-so-popular right hand column?  Just in case you were in any doubt, here are some of the translations.

Voluptuous

She’s a slightly larger lady.  In fact she’s much bigger than the people we usually feature but she’s popular at the moment and we can’t find any dirt to dish.  No doubt that will change in the near future.

makeup free

Our fantastic paparazzi team have take photographs of famous women not wearing make-up because they are on holiday/not attending a red carpet event/not filming on set (delete as appropriate).

ready to pop

We have documented every single move that this lady had made since we found out she was pregnant (we’d have been at the conception if she’d have allowed us).  Now she is due to give birth we are stalking her until her waters break even though women have been giving birth naturally for thousands of years. 

juggle

Mum of three takes her children to the park.

actor birthdayThis well-known actor/actress has had another birthday, they haven’t died and they don’t look as young as they did 30 years ago.  We know you are now gasping and waxing lyrical about nostalgic times.

wouldnt last

We said it wouldn’t last but this couple have now been together for four years.  It pains us to write this article but we can’t be the only online news outlet that isn’t mentioning it.

highest paid

We picked a random number out of thin air, added a couple of zeroes to it and attributed it to an actor that happens to have had a few roles recently.

bares her midriff

Young woman wears summer clothes during warm weather.

space fillers

  • a 700-word article based around a tweet sent by a celebrity complete with screenshot of said tweet and screenshots of replies from followers of celebrity with the caption being the text of the actual tweet.  Concluded by an update on whether the celebrity has tweeted or not since the ‘newsworthy’ tweet;
  • a 700-word article based around a selfie posted to Instagram with psychological insight;
  • twenty-four pap-shots of one of the Kardashians walking to their car or into a shop (maybe two or three similar articles because there are so many family members);
  • Helen Flanagan with clothes on whilst shopping, wearing a bikini on a beach or taking a duck-faced selfie (ref: above Instagram translation);
  • TOWIE cast relationship updates;
  • Courtney Stodden wearing Lucite (stripper) heels, leaving us guessing what happened to the gold arm cuff.

No-one ever admits to reading the Sidebar of Shame but I know you sneak a peek from time to time or “accidentally” click on a link you see on Twitter.  What translations have I missed out?  What hidden messages really grip your shit?  Release your frustration in the comments section. 

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