Not too long ago, Suzanne Moore wrote a very informative list about how to manage your penis (if you own one) and this was published on The Guardian website. She was concerned by some of the stories in the news recently and rightly so, as these incidents apparently involved sexting, toasters and politicians. Three very important things by all accounts, I’m sure you’d agree, especially the toasters. The list included such helpful advice for men such as “do not neglect your penis”,  “don’t stick your dick in a toaster” and “do not use your dangler to rape people”.

All solid advice, and very serious stuff. Someone actually said to me, “can you imagine if someone wrote a list like this for women?!!!”. She actually said it with fewer exclamation marks, but she had a point. As a man, considering how useful the weenie list was for me, I feel duty bound to write a new list to help you in managing your vagina.. It has now been 9 days since my last toaster incident and I am still going strong. But please, remember that this is a very serious list written as an act of charity for all womankind. So no immature giggling ladies, this is as serious as Ivan Lendl’s happy face. Deadly serious.

Rules for managing your vagina

  1. Do not attack the Pope with your vagina. I know how sometimes impulses can kick in, but don’t do it. If it was the old Pope, maybe this wouldn’t make the list, but the current Pope is a pretty groovy dude. So whether he’s cruising in the Popemobile for honeys or taking a stroll to his local boulangerie for a baguette, let him be.
  2. Do not use your bajingo as a handy storage compartment. It is generally awkward enough waiting for someone rummaging in their bag as they look for their purse. Lets steer clear of fanny packs for want of a better word.
  3. If at all possible, avoid getting a vajazzle. But if you must glitter your pink mink, be sure to seek out a reputable salon for the task. Things to look out for include a well known brand name like Jazz Vag and those certificates you see on the walls of fast food places with smiley faces on. DO NOT go to a back alley salon, they are likely to glitter the wrong area.
  4. Do not put your nether yaya on someone who doesn’t want it. Not on any part of them. Ask their permission first and ask them to put it in writing before any consensual frolicking goes down. Organised woo woo is happy woo woo.
  5. Do not try to commit the strangest Monty Python tribute by trying to fell the mightiest tree in the forest with your lady bits. You’ll only get splinters and there are easier was to honour the Monty Python movies, like watching them.
  6. It is very important to name your vajayjay. I know the winky list said to not name your tallywacker, but this is a different kettle of fish. Names should be thoughtful and refined, so Nikki Mivag is way out.
  7. Keep your who-ha away from acids and molten lava. I know this may seem obvious to some, but just be wary and stay vigilant.
  8. Do not try and reduce the size of your love shack after childbirth by creating a vacuum in time and space within your baby canon in the off chance it will work. It won’t work and you will cause a cataclysm that will surely end life, as we know it.
  9. If you have the need to or want to landscape your lady garden, avoid using Flymo strimmers, slotted spatulas and direct current electricity. We aren’t barbarians and we have much more advanced tools for such a job these days, including hard light lasers, prayer and media studies students.
  10. While you mustn’t be ashamed of your vahzeen, most people would deem it inappropriate to tag your photos on Facebook as if it was its own person. Normally this is deemed psychotic and in bad taste, unless you are a star on The Only Way is Essex, in which case, all of your photos will be tagged as “twats” anyway.

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