Burn the land and boil the sea, you can’t take my porn from me.

There once lived a man called David Cameron. He lived a privileged life, and proclaimed he represented the people he ruled. One day he declared he would free the land from the pornographic scourge that threatened the well being of all his citizens. Unfortunately for the people, little did they know, their rulers had hidden and dark plans they were preparing to unleash.

A tale for the ages, I’m sure you’d agree. I’m sure you are well aware of the back-story here. David Cameron said he wants to enforce a nationwide block on pornographic content on the Internet by making all broadband providers automatically block such sinful sites unless the customer requests otherwise.

But I urge you to think about this before believing that this is Cameron protecting the children as he claims. Just look at Rhianna music videos, is he looking to ban them too? I would go as far as saying this isn’t even about adult content. What it really comes down to is Internet censorship. But I will start with destroying Cameron’s proclaimed reasoning before moving onto more sinister topics.

Our fair PM appeared on BBC Breakfast one morning to offer an explanation of sorts for his proposed plan. He said something along the lines of – “imagine your child types in “sex” into Google, trying to look up sex education. Who knows what they will be exposed to?!” Let me show you Davey boy.

Google Sex Search

Admittedly, that Sexy and I know it song can be considered damaging to anyone, but I think my point is clear enough. You want to know what kind of sordid search results come up when you type in “sex education”? Sex education pages surprisingly. There is even a link for sex education in Urdu. Filth. Utter filth. Almost as bad as that Swindon Shaggers 3 movie, the conclusion of the Wonky Nipple Trilogy. The narrative was sorely lacking in that arthouse film, but the lighting and camera work justified its 4 star review in the Chepstow Gazette.

Not sure Cameron realizes, but parental blocks are already available to protect children from Urdu educational sites and the Swindon Shaggers series. BT, Sky, Talk Talk and Virgin Media already offer this service free to any customers who feel it is required. But instead, the government wants to make anyone who would like to find out how SS3 concludes, to call up their Internet provider and beg to get their porn back. It reminds me of the episode where Alan Partridge has to call the guy at the reception desk to “make the porn come back”.

Why is the government wasting their time and money on this proposal? Because the experts they pay say it’s a good idea? The solution is already available, how about they release a pamphlet telling all parents how they can activate the filters themselves? Boosh, sorted with minimum cost and time. But like I said, I do not believe this is about porn at all. They are using child safety as an excuse to test how censoring the Internet will work for them.

Internet porn censorship

It is a very dangerous precedent to set if they decide that they can start blocking out sections of the Internet. In a recent example, the Premier League won the rights to block access to a sports streaming site and as a result, 100s of legitimate sites including the BBC Radio Times site were blocked and deemed to be pirate streaming sites. Wanna know what happened to the actual site they won the rights to block? They set up elsewhere. Good stuff.

Blocking the Internet is the domain of the Chinese government and Kim Yong Big Un. Even if you can opt out of the block for now, censorship of the Internet on the grounds of “safety” or copyright protection is moving into seriously dangerous territory where the regular person will suffer, as the users of the Radio Times site recently found out. But western governments now seem more determined than ever to try and take such action without us even realizing. Just think back on the SOPA bill the United States tried to pass last year.

Freedom of the Internet is worth protecting, even if just to found out how the next Swindon Shaggers movie turns out. SS4: Lusty Horticulturists Gone Wild.

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