Eight times. EIGHT TIMES.
Eight times I caught myself at my desk today, staring into space and dreaming of Sherlock. God, how I want to run my fingers through that floppy (fairly risky adjective to use in this context, particularly when I’m delaying the proceeding word in my statement with bracketed waffle) …mop of hair. How I want him to do that iconic sexy coat collar turn-up as he moves in to hold my face and touch my lips completely to his. How I wish I could’ve been the one to have that conversation about carrying handcuffs around in episode two of series three, instead of that bloody bridesmaid. You know. When he replies with that cheeky snarl; “down girl”. Don’t even pretend you’re not sure what I mean – that scene has been looping around the mind of every Sherlock fan since the moment it aired on the BBC. Seriously, I had to go freshen up the downtown.
I fancy a few fellas off the telly. My list of famous characters I’ve developed an all-encompassing crush on might not be entirely predictable, but they’re all equally as distracting and it must stop now. Sherlock is the last straw. I am very busy and important with work to do.
By my reckoning, no man is perfect. Be they an actor, an accountant or an acrobat, they will have flaws, and flaws put people off. All we need to do to stop daydreaming and get our heads screwed tightly back on is find the character flaws.
Here we go then. Banishing the objects of my desire by giving them a good old fashioned (yep. gonna pause there and just leave “old fashioned” lingering in the air. Slang for “wank”, if you were wondering)… dressing down. Lolz. That’s still a bit saucy.
Right, biggest problem out the way first.
Why we like him: He’s intelligent beyond comprehension. He’s sharp-tongued and sarcastic. He wears nice coats. He has nice floppy hair. If you accidentally murdered someone, he could probably help you out.
His flaws: Intelligence is great, but teamed with his lofty manner and penchant for sarcasm means you’d never win a fight. The wind-up possibilities would be endless. Particularly unfortunate if you’re a fiery redhead (ahem). Date nights would entail brisk strolls to nowhere in particular, not because he’s taken you on in John Watson’s place as a co-crimefighter, but because he emptied the rest of the bank account that morning in French Connection on his 11th long black coat. The most annoying part? That coat’s shortly to be donated to another fake death-scapade. I had to forgo a nacho sharing platter for this shit.
Why we like him: Who doesn’t love a Beegees fan? Every time that phone goes off there’s an eighties disco in his blazer pocket. Sherlock villain Moriarty also has an utterly adorable smile, even when divulging murder details, and he’s kinda sexy when he’s scary.
His flaws: Gay. Probably gay in Sherlock. Definitely gay in real life.
I should add, I do not mean that being gay is a flaw per se. I just mean my fancying him is very much wasted. Not a trace of homophobia shall you find here, just mild annoyance at the FUCKING WASTE OF MY EMOTIONS.
Why we like him: He appears to be sculpted by actual gods. Those cheekbones and…things. Loki also possesses a voice like liquid silk and a hat to win all hat competitions. Partial to the occasional ruling of the planet Asgard, where I hear there are some rather superior banquet tables. Handy.
His flaws: All dates would have to take place outside as hat is too large to fit through ordinary doorways. And while we’re talking about the hat, you certainly couldn’t have any milliner friends. Imagine the jealousy you’d have to combat over that fucking hat. Only partial ruler of Asgard rather than THE ruler of Asgard. Inconsistent. Not looking great, is it?
Why we like him: His legs look better in tights than mine do. Hard-grafting man just trying to make a buck is quite endearing, though not at the bottom of the work pile as he has management skills and responsibilities. Makes jokes in any situation.
His flaws: His legs look better in tights than mine do. And we all know how easy it is to ladder tights – he’ll be going through your hosiery draw before you know it. He’ll turn you into a ragamuffin. And imagine the way he’ll wisecrack through every serious conversion. To conclude: you’ll never be able to get dressed or get anything done. That’s no way to live.
Why we like him: Sweetly naive. Hard worker. Could nab you a cheap skirt down the market. Is streetwise – could keep you safe down Nunhead way.
His flaws: A motion sickness sufferer would never bode well in that three wheel van. Rodney’s a babe, but once you’ve thrown up your Fatty Thumb brunch all over his baggy camo jacket, I imagine the spark would dim somewhat.
There we are. Free of celebrity fantasising. Did I forget anyone?
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