No matter what Nostradamus, the Mayans or Harold “Rapture” Camping have had to say in the past, the world has kept spinning and we’ve made it to 2014. Sure there may be a super volcano that turns out to be twice the size than previously thought under Yellowstone National Park in America apparently due to let off a little steam, but that is nothing compared to the annoyance of still putting ’13 when you have to write the date down for the next month or so.

I am not one for New Years resolutions (probably because I can never keep them). Besides, I have never taken up smoking so I don’t have anything I need to quit. No way am I dropping my leisurely crack habit or overly aggressive extreme midnight scrumping, why would I?

But I have been given a very special gift. I didn’t get it for Christmas, I guess technically I got it for my birthday. I was given the power to control the human brain, much like Charles Xavier does in the Xmen. I am talking about my name, Simon. Lets play a game of Simon Says.

We don’t have to make a resolution to be better people and make 2014 a better year, all you have to do is listen to Simon.

Simon Says Guide to a better 2014

Simon Says achieve the right balance in your life; it is very important for you to take time out of your day to spend lots of time with your friends and family. Equally, it is very important to dedicate time to look at photos of cats on the Internet. It’s all about balance.

Simon Says treat others how you would like to be treated yourself; so remember to say please and thank you and generally be courteous to those around you. And should someone not give you the same in return, simply turn the other cheek, pretend nothing’s happened, then follow them home and key their car.

Simon Says never give up on your dreams. Your life would be empty without dreams so sleep in whenever you can to maximize dreamtime. Do this and you can continue enjoying that flying sensation as a magnificent diamond unicorn for at least an extra 22 minutes a day.

Simon Says be ready to surprise people, there is no better feeling than surprising a special person in your life. So every now and then, when the time is right, jump out from behind that door. The resulting terror will make your victim feel alive and they will thank you eventually.

Simon Says never stop trying to better yourself; sure it takes time and patience, but the chances are there and you need to make sure you take them. Whether it’s botox or full on surgery, it has never been easier to become a better you.

Simon Says do not read beyond the first sentence of this game of Simon Says and have a good 2014. Other than the cat thing, the rest just never seems to go how you ex quark stack.

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