I have a confession: I don’t want kids. Ever.
I’ve never felt maternal, I find children exhausting and I struggle to enjoy spending time with my friends and families children, no matter what their age. In fact when I have to spend time around children, I literally count down the minutes until my time with them is over and I can get on with my life again. In fact, I think I secretly hate children.
My reasons for not wanting children isn’t just because I can’t stand them though, it’s also for my fictional unborn child’s own good. The thing that I hate the most about myself is how similar to my own mother I am. She’s a horrible, selfish woman who is only interested in travelling the world and living her own life, while cutting off her own family for no reason and knowing how to hurt people with words when she needs to get her own way. Every day I notice something about myself which reminds me of her and every time that happens, I realise I should never have kids. I also know that like my mum was, I’ll be a terrible neglectful mother due to the selfish nature that I’ve got from her.
There are so many lovely kids that are born into unloved families and suffer unhappy childhoods, and if there’s even a chance that my child could experience that, then I think it would be incredibly selfish of me to inflict that sort of thing on to an innocent child by bringing it into a world that can be cruel enough as it is. Kids deserve to be loved in a happy environment with stable parental role models, and I know that I’ll never be able to provide that, both financially and emotionally.
Although I feel strongly enough to put such words online for the world to see, I still don’t feel comfortable enough to tell my friends and family, hence why this particular article is anonymous.
I’ve told a few friends before and their reaction tends to be either complete horror followed by a loud “why not!” as if I’m mad to think such a thing, or they reply with “you’ll feel differently someday” like I don’t know my own mind. I’m told all the things that are wrong with my decision, all said with a disapproving face full of judgement.
I’d certainly never tell my family as they’d be so disappointed, especially as our family is quite small already due to a several bitter divorces (another reason I don’t want kids, I’d have no support network).
Of course I wish I could tell people my secret, but every time I’ve told people it never goes down well, and I’m made to feel like I’m wrong, mad, and even I get pity which is the worst response of all.
Being newly single, I know that I’ll probably find it very hard to find a nice guy that doesn’t want kids either, so part of me is ready to spend much of my life alone. But if that’s the price I pay so that another child isn’t brought into this world and mucked up by their upbringing, then so be it. I see nothing wrong with that.
So if someone you know says that they don’t want kids, don’t judge them, don’t offer advice, just listen to them, chances are that just like me, they’ve probably got good reasons behind it.
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