How much does true loyalty cost? Well Nike seem to think the figure for real loyalty lies at around £90 while the less faithful come in at around £60. You have likely heard a bit of fuss kicked up over the England football kit for the upcoming World Cup in Brazil. If you haven’t heard about it, I can quickly sum things up for you, Nike are asshats. Hats for asses. Not the donkeys, flabby buttocks. Nike are hats for flabby buttocks.

I could leave this blog at that because that sums up the situation much better than the money men at Nike when doing their calculations. I will make an assumption at the material cost of actually making one of these shirts at around about £2, which I don’t think is unfair. Now factor in their highly trained Asian workforce at around tuppence an hour and I think Nike are taking the metaphorical biscuit, widdling on it, then charging us for the pleasure of eating it.

You may think that is going a bit far, but then consider that when you buy the shirt with shorts and socks, you will have to fork out £127. Even the children’s kit costs about £42! We aren’t all earning quarter of a million pounds a week and quite frankly, some of us have better things to spend that money on, like a year’s supply of kitchen sponges so we can build a sponge fort. Glad to have you back onside, to use a kick balling term.

The outrage caused was so far reaching that the football superfan David Cameron came out to urge Nike to rethink their selling price. And we all know how into football Davey boy is, “Did you see that ludicrous display last night? I say”.

So what do you get for your ninety pounds? Well you get a plain white or red tshirt made from fabric so thin that it is a miracle of science that it holds together and a badge with some demented looking lions on it. So that is kinda cool, science and crazy lions. You also get an “optical brightener” that enhances whiteness and makes the lions come alive under UV light, which is damn handy when you play your football in a rave.

And what do you get for your £60 if you are a peasant who can only afford the cheapo shirt? Well you pretty much get the same thing, but probably not the same miracle fabric that magically moves sweat. But imagine a kid begging his mum for the latest kit so he can patriotically support his country, I wonder which kit he’ll want?

£90 new England kit
A couple of years ago, England kits cost £30. A few years before that, places like Sainburys sold them for about £20, but apparently that was unfair because it meant places like JJB sports couldn’t fleece their customers as much. I wonder why they went out of business?

Historically, England shirts sell best when there is a great prospect for the national team, so couple that with the you will need to take out a payday loan or make a finance to afford one and I can estimate they will sell about 3.

Basically, screw yourselves Nike, seriously, just do it.

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