A few months back, whist in a wistful haze, I wrote a truly optimistic piece about being in a new relationship, about falling in love; how to make the most of your time with that new wonderful person. Well I am here to tell you something, it was all bullshit.
You have to know that before you go into a relationship. Most of it is bullshit.
I don’t mean that everything that was said was crap, but I think that as in most circumstances in life, it’s best to take what people say with a large pinch of salt, and where possible a shot of tequila and slice of lime.
He said he loved me, he introduced me to his friends, spent the weekend with his parents, he told me I was awesome, played with my hair as we lay on the sofa, told me how amazing he thought I was. We got drunk and danced the night away in Edinburgh, we spent hours watching Game of Thrones drinking Whisky, we stayed up all night talking about life & the future. He told me I was his soul mate. He held me close and everything felt better.
Then one day it stopped.
After a month of torturing myself, after hours spent racking my brains for what I had done wrong, why everything had changed, why what I thought was a something was vanishing rapidly into a nothing.
There was only one thing for it, I had to walk away; it ended with tears, his and mine also, my heart broke, I cried the whole way home. Sat on the train watching my reflection cry, feeling my heart physically ache in my chest. I spent the following day on the sofa, under a duvet, no food, no nothing. The TV was on, the world carried on like normal, I felt broken.
He’d realised he didn’t want a relationship, he wanted to be ‘selfish’ for a while and rather than tell me, he just pulled away, stopped calling, stopped making plans, made me feel sad.
I allowed myself the day to wallow.
I cried, by God did I cry, heart wrenching sobs, fury filled tears. I lurched from hating him for being a coward, for treating my heart with such utter unashamed disregard, to sadness for all the wonderful moments we’d had and the ones we won’t ever get to have. I wondered how I could have been ‘better’ was I not pretty enough, clever, enough or maybe just all together not enough.
It’s a little like death, it’s a grief of sorts. I can’t wear the charm he bought me on my bracelet anymore, the photos of him are down from my wall, I’m angry, angry with him but mostly angry I let myself fall in love with him.
But life, as they say, goes on. The day after my day of wallowing I got up, I got on, I made plans. Because that’s what you do, you have to get up, you have to get dressed and you have to get on.
They say that writing things down is cathartic, that it’s a way of releasing the feelings and moving on. Which is why I am writing this post, despite not being the sort of person to admit weakness or share my insecurities.
I remember my first heartbreak, I remember thinking that by the time I was a ‘grown up’ things would be easier, relationships wouldn’t crumble because one person got cold feet. I thought that there wouldn’t be so many tears, in fact there are more now, they are fewer and far between I guess, but they power behind them is so much greater.
It’s been 3.5 weeks since it ended, in that time I have got a new client, found a new awesomely creative office space, made baby step plans to move to London & started the process of moving on. I have times still, where I feel my heart sink a little at the thought that I don’t get to rest my head on his chest as I fall asleep, that I don’t get butterflies at the thought of seeing him, that the last thing I do at night is kiss him, but those thoughts will fade, the tears on my face as I write this will stop and life will go back to ‘normal’.
Who’d have thought I would ever strive for ‘normal’
For now there is no love, but there is a new found love of boxing and Crossfit, of healthy living which has lead to a new trimmer version of myself, of immersing myself in my work, of picking up where I left off six months ago with my book.
I would love to know how you dealt with heartbreak. Did you snap back or wallow for a while?
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