BREAKING NEWS!!! Single people are not sad sacks who need a never-ending wave of go out and get ’em advice, especially if it comes from married or settled folk. I’m sure the givers of advice think they are doing us lonely, desperate singletons a favour but to be honest its patronising, pointless and to be honest, fucking irritating.
As a single twenty-something woman, I figured it was my duty to collate a list of nine shit things single girls are sick of hearing
1. “It’ll only happen when you stop looking”
Oh right yeah, that sounds like awesome advice! I will just walk around not looking for it, you know cos that works really well when on the hunt for jobs, houses or lost hair grips.
I should just stop looking, and the wonder of the universe will deliver Mr Right to me when I least expect it. This is bullshit. Outright bullshit. Yes, I agree that scurrying around nose to the ground on the hunt for a boyfriend would look disturbing. But let me tell you lot who think you weren’t looking when you found your ‘significant other’ when you met them; in some way, shape or form, you were!
2. “Are you seeing anyone?”
Oh yeah, of course I am that’s why I never mention him, bring him to events and put up with your asinine comments about the state of my love life, I just find it so fulfilling to hear you witter on about how great a person I am and if only I stopped looking there he would be.
No, I am not seeing someone, if I was, you would know…think of better questions to ask me.
3. “You’re so lucky, I wish I was single!”
Dump your husband and I will welcome you to the dark side. Unless of course you are just being patronising, in that case maybe I’ll just casually mention it your other half…
4. “You need to love yourself first”
Nope. No. Nah. Stop that right now. I love myself just fine thanks, but to be honest my patience for you is seriously questionable right now. So how about this: I will continue to ‘love myself’ and you can continue having an opinion about things that matter.
5. “Aren’t you worried you won’t be able to have kids”
Nope, never worry about that. You know why? BECAUSE I AM 28 NOT 78 and FYI I don’t want kids. The money that parents choose to spend on kiddies I will be spending on holidays to Mexico, designer handbags and a shit hot apartment where I can have as much white furniture I wish without any worries.
Here’s a thought: unless you would ask a mother “so why did you decide you wanted children” then think hard before you ask a childless women “so, why don’t you want kids”.
6. “Don’t worry, you’ll find someone”
I hate to break this to all you coupled up lovies, but some people spend their whole lives without getting married and they are just fine.
It would be ace if I found the mythical “one”, but if I don’t I want you to know from the bottom of my heart, I am totally ok with that. Seriously, I don’t need your pity. Please stop tilting your head to one side when you say shit like this, being single is not a death sentence. I’m not a lost cause. I’m just single.
7. “Have you thought of trying online dating”
Yep, just like every single other sad sack, I too have embraced the digital era and have penned 100-ish words bigging myself up, whilst appearing coy and available. I must tell you it’s soul-destroying, swiping left or right, favouriting, emailing, winking… enough already.
Also if I actually dedicated the amount of time you think I should be to online dating, I wouldn’t have time for these awesome conversations… oh wait.
8. “Maybe if you were less picky”
Ah yeah, that’s the issue, I am clearly waiting around for Ryan Gosling to bin Eva Mendes and sweep me off my feet.
I will be honest with you, the last person who asked me out more than likely lives in his parent’s basement and plays World of War Craft whilst eating squeezy cheese out of the tube and wears non-ironic band t-shirts despite never leaving the house. But you’re right, I should totally go out with someone I have less than no interest with and maybe throw in a sympathy shag for the hell of it, if that would make you feel less uncomfortable with my being single.
9. “You just need to put yourself out there”
What even does this mean? Seriously what does it mean, put myself out there? Shall I invest in A-Board advertising? Or maybe I should get a full-page ad in the Metro?
This is the shittiest thing you can say. I am out there, because in case you hadn’t noticed I leave the house, I function in society and believe it or not I have a spectacular life without needing to find “my other half” which is a phrase in itself that makes me want to simultaneously vomit and implode.
So there you have it, it’s most certainly not an exhaustive list, but it’ll do for now!
If you are struggling to think of what to say to a single girl now you know not to utter the above mentioned, might I suggest simply treating them like normal folk who have a life outside their relationship status? Because let me tell you, us singletons have so much time on our hands we know all kinds of interesting stuff…
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