There are times when I’m inspired to save the planet. There are times when I’d like to save some dollars. And then are also times when I’d REALLY like to have sex – but I’ve got the painters in.
While I don’t strictly mind sex on the red tide, sometimes you’d rather not make such a mess. And you can pretty much guarantee that on days 1 and 2, there WILL be a mess. Sheet bleaching is hardly my post coital activity of choice, and besides, if you’re going on holiday, or your hot ass lover lives 250 miles away, sometimes you don’t have a choice.
All of these reasons (ok, the latter… Definitely the latter) spurred me to experiment with alternatives to tampons, and here we come to my new best friend, the Softcup.
If you’re faint-hearted, do NOT read on
So do you remember that time Dan Brown said the Holy Grail was a cup (vagina) full of blood? Turns out he wasn’t far off. Except this cup (vagina) holds a cup (cup) full of blood. And it’s freeing and tidy and wonderful.
First off, a warning. These are not for the faint hearted. If you aren’t already, you’re about to become very intimately acquainted with your vaginal walls and your menstrual blood. If it helps, you can convince yourself (after thoroughly washing your hands) that the mess you just tipped down the toilet is not the chainsaw massacre aftermath it first appears to be. No. It’s a lava lamp to be ‘oohed’ and ‘ahhed’ at. It’s a painting. It’s a moving, liquid installation. Hey look! Look at the art I just did with my twat! I’m a fucking genius! Whisk me at once to the Tate Modern and give me all your money!
But I digress. There was, as I mentioned, a very important reason for me to be typing so loudly at you all today. This magical device allows pain free, mess free period sex. Period sex – with it’s heightened sensations, its explosive, cramp relieving orgasms, it’s extra naughtiness. BUT NO MESS. That, my friends, is the Holy Grail.
I think you may have gathered that yes, it works. (To be fair, there was a TEENY amount of leakage. What can I say. The guy was endowed. But in the grand scheme, I was mightily impressed.)
The Nitty Gritty
So obviously the Soft Cup is not JUST a sexual aid for bloody vaginas in need. Let me tell you a bit about it before I get all candid with my sex life.
Much like the Mooncup (or the Diva Cup for my ‘Murican sisters out here) the Softcup is a small collection device for your menses that sits inside your vagina, just behind your pubic bone. It’s made of a non-toxic, latex free material, and you can wear it for 12 hours. Nothing shows on the outside either. Burlesquers everywhere rejoice!
Once you’ve got it in there you genuinely can’t feel it… although I can’t promise after seeing and touching the thing you won’t be expecting a strange crackling every time you move. Essentially, it’s like putting a tiny Asda bag in your fanny. A medical grade Asda bag, yes, but an Asda bag nonetheless.
Inserting it couldn’t be easier. Squish the circular part together so it looks like an infinity symbol, relax, and pop it on in there just like a tampon. The strangest part is pushing down rather than up, but after a couple of times it makes sense. You’re making an air tight seal just below your cervix as the circle pops itself into place. Easy Peasy pelvic floor squeezy.
Removal is slightly less straightforward. FIRST WASH YOUR HANDS. You have to get your finger right up there and hook it out, invariably covering yourself and any clothing you haven’t had the foresight to move in blood. Ladies, forewarned is forearmed.
Yes, it’s a bit gross. But if you aren’t squeamish I swear these things will change your life. Now wash your hands again. AND AGAIN. Out Damned Spot and all that.
THE SEXY SEX
So… Before you do anything. Go change your Softcup. Fresh and new. Clean clean sexy.
Things began to heat up, as they do, and clothes were shed, as they are. I honestly was not aware of the thing the entire time. My, erm… ‘Independent Adjudicator’ said he felt it a little bit during digital foreplay, but the actual deed? Nada. Sucsex!
One thing I will say though, is even if you’re using another method of birth control, use a condom. Don’t make me spell it out. If you’re confused, re-read the removal paragraph and then just take a minute to let that digest. Yep. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
So there we have it Ladybros. No more shelling out for boxes and boxes of tampons until the glorious menopause comes along to relieve your aching wallet. A damn sight less damage to the environment. AND SEX! All of the sex! No matter what time of the month it is!
I feel like celebrating. Bloody Mary anyone? …Too much?
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