Dating does not get easier as you get older. That said, the joy of age and wisdom is the ability to take the piss out of yourself and the whole strange ritual, because that’s what dating is – a ritual of sorts.  

I’ve been doing this dating dance for a long ass time, and boy do I have some hilarious date stories. Naked Guy, Mr Cry Baby, Mr Marriage…

I feel there are nine stages of a first date, and I’m here to share them with you…

Stage 1:

You’ve asked him out…he replies YES! That means I might have something to tell people when they patronisingly tilt their head and say “still single?

The Seven Stages of A First Date

Stage 2:

Trying on every SINGLE ITEM OF CLOTHING you own before settling on your first choice! 

The Seven Stages of A First Date

Stage 3:

Arrive at the bar, he’s no where to be seen…cue every single negative wildly ridiculous thought goes through your mind, including but not limited to; he walked in saw you and left, decided he couldn’t be arsed, got hit by a bus on the way, is married!

The Seven Stages of A First Date

Stage 4:

Panic over. He arrives and isn’t a troll/ogre/deep v t shirt wearing pretty boy. Phew!

The Seven Stages of A First Date

Stage 5:

Realise that to calm your nerves/make you more hilarious you simply must drink…drink…drink… 

The Seven Stages of A First Date

Stage 6:

Ok so maybe he isn’t that cool, even though I asked him about his job, he’s been talking about alternators and WWE for the last 20 minutes and my glass is empty. Where’s the nearest exit?

The Seven Stages of A First Date
 

Stage 7:

After sharing and caring for 3 hours you make your excuses and leave, knowing full well you need to be heading home early enough to dissect the date with your best mate and be back in time for How To Get Away With Murder…

The Seven Stages of A First Date

Stage 8:

He doesn’t text…nothing, not a word for 4 days, then he’s all “hey guuurl i’ve been so busy, what you doing? Wanna hang?” It’s 11pm on a Tuesday and no, I don’t want to ‘hang’

The Seven Stages of A First Date

Stage 9:

Three days later, he replies “no worries, to be honest I only dated you cos I felt sorry for you!” Or hurty-ego words to that effect. Farewell dickhead.  

The Seven Stages of A First Date
This isn’t an exclusive list of feelings during a first date, if the ones above don’t happen I guarantee one or more of the below will…

The Nine Stages of A First Date The Nine Stages of A First Date The Nine Stages of A First Date The Nine Stages of A First Date

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