Living in London, you sometimes end up at glamorous events almost purely by accident. You’re just walking to the tube station with Serial on your iPhone and H&M boots on your feet when BOOM red carpet BOOM flashing lights BOOM fame and fortune. Pretty much.

With that in mind, here are some tips to surviving a soiree populated almost uniquely by The Rich And The Famous without accidentally looking like The Person Who Ate A Snail Because She Thought It Was A Chocolate And Has Now Thrown Up In Her Mouth A Bit.

#1 Wear Black

I disobeyed many many of my own rules at this event, but I DID wear black.
I disobeyed many many of my own rules at this event, but I DID wear black.

It’s easy to look expensive when you’re wearing black because we all look the same in the dark. Black Gucci looks the same as black Zara, especially after 19 glasses of champagne.

#2 Look Confident

This is the lamest tip in the history of the universe, including the lie told to you by your mother (“Be Yourself”), but if you look like you belong there, you belong there. Half of being a celebrity is blagging your way to the top. You can tell that by the number of actors Who Actually Can’t Act But Are Still Making Millions. Chin up, shoulders back, tits out. Eye contact people so hard they physically walk into walls.

#3 Don’t Follow The Actual Celebrities Around

Nothing says wannabe like someone who tracks the most famous person in the room with their eyes, and stands near them hoping to be acknowledged. If you want to talk to them, approach them, be clear, don’t stutter, and leave when you’ve said your piece. Lingering near Ed Sheeran psychically imploring him to write a song about you won’t work. I’ve tried.

#4 Let Other People Take The Pictures 

This may or may not be  Benedict Cumberbatch's shoulder.
This may or may not be Benedict Cumberbatch’s shoulder.

Taking fuzzy snaps of champagne glasses and the backs of celebrity heads won’t immortalize the event like you hope, and will make you look like a twat. If you want pics, at least make your friend take them of you. People might even think YOU’RE the famous one. Note: I am, evidently, a total fucking hypocrite on this point.

#5 Don’t Drink 19 Glasses Of Champagne

Take note of my addendum to Tip #4, and do as I say, not as I do. Orlando Bloom will not take kindly to picking shards of your champagne glass out of his Italian leather loafers.

That’s it! All you need to know – and above all, remember: nobody is actually paying any attention to you. That’s either the most reassuring, or the most depressing, thing you can ever hear, depending on how much free champagne you’ve managed to neck.

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