New Year's Resolutions 2015

8. Actively put on as much weight as possible

Rebel against that positively inane certainty of our society that Slender Is Better and admit that Thin Is Grim – that there is no greater pillowy softness in the universe than a capacious bottom clad in silk and splayed across a rug. Eat a doughnut; enjoy half a packet of Thin Mints, blend an entire wedding cake and bathe in it, luxuriating in the osmosis of fat through your pores. Confess to yourself that there is nothing amiss with self-rewarding with sugar, abandon the concept of the guilty pleasure and just eat.

7. Be less nice to people 

Because, actually, most people don’t deserve it. Most people are positively awful, looking to carve out their own niche in the universe/property market/your heart, whatever the cost to another. Don’t give up your seat on the tube. Don’t say Happy Birthday to people on Facebook. Give in to the grizzliness of the general populace and embrace your Inner Scrooge. Bah. Humbug. And while you’re at it, eat a humbug, they’re nice (see Resolution #8). 

6. Attempt to learn less, and to forget what you already know

Knowledge might be power, but unless you’re already a member of the 1%, there’s no power left for you anyway, no matter how many Wikipedia articles you read. Focus on the things you do know, like the divisibility of a packet of Percy Pigs amongst your flatmates, and close your brain to the tides of information available to you. There’s too much of it, we all know that, and you risk being swept away. Ted Talks are bad. TV channels should be restricted to MTV and the Disney Channel. If you accidentally catch a glimpse of the front page of the newspaper, it’s OK to run hard into a wall, repeatedly. Keeping your New Year’s resolutions is important. 

5. Stop exercising

Any gains made by running in circles around a park like a hamster on a wheel are fully negated by the fact that you’re a sensible adult behaving like a hamster on a wheel. Let’s just all collectively admit that our obsession with exercise is just another example of Global Puppet Master Jenny Craig yanking on our strings, and cease and desist putting one foot in front of another. That does not mean that you should side-step along like a crab. It simply means that you should sit down. Put your feet up. Stop. Just, stop. 

4. Have less sex

This is simply glorified exercise, with the added detriment of making other people feel good (in direct contravention of Resolutions #7 and #5) and should be terminated directly. If you’ve become accustomed to intercourse, and feel the lack, simply purchase a hotdog and vigorously pump the sausage between the buns until the bread disintegrates, the ketchup drips to the ground and you’re exhausted. Same difference.

3. Engage in consumerism

Know what is guaranteed to make you feel good? That rhythmic tap of a shopping bag against your shin as you make your way home, reminding you that you Have A New Thing, which you Did Not Have Before and which Has Every Possibility of Filling That Empty Space In Your Heart. And if one thing doesn’t work, then nine things probably will. Or ninety. It’s just mathematics.

2. Accept that watching YouTube clips of cats trying to sit in boxes that are smaller than them is a legitimate hobby

Because it is.

1. Recognise that the changing of the calendar year has no power over your autonomy to make, and keep to, decisions, and resolve to make changes for yourself because it’s time to and because you want to, rather than because advertisements on the television tell you to.

But you should probably do the Cake Bath thing anyway.

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