In the aftermath of the terror attacks in Paris, an American “terror expert” on Fox News took to the air to reveal some fascinating intel on life our side of the pond in the UK. Steve Emerson told Fox News that in Britain there are areas where non-Muslims dare not go, an issue that is so bad in Birmingham that the entire city is only for Muslims. Not only this, he let slip the startling fact that there is even a religious police force in London that beats up and seriously wounds anyone not wearing Muslim attire.

I’m not sure about you, but I had no idea that this was the case. In fact I was only in London a couple of months ago and was oblivious to the fact that I was putting my life at risk should I have run into this heavy handed law enforcement brigade. I could have died, but now thanks to Fox News, I know that it is not safe for non-Muslim people like myself and shall not dare return there again. Not even for Krispy Kreme donuts, the Muslim donut of choice.

European holiday guide

I found the interview with Mr Emerson so eye opening that I have taken it upon myself to put together a little guide for Fox News viewers so they know exactly what to expect this side of the Atlantic. I present the Fox News holiday guide to Europe.

London

A beautiful city, but I have a warning for tourists. Cockney chimneysweeps and street urchins roam the city, stealing and dancing for anyone who crosses their path. Stick to the safe areas such as Brixton and Tower Hamlets.

Spain

A good holiday vacation for those who enjoy sunny breaks, but unfortunately getting around the main cities can be risky due to bulls roaming the streets. If you want to go, don’t wear red and get your running shoes on. You know how the old saying goes, “there’s a bull for every street“.

Germany

Deutschland is a fascinating place for one main reason, the Autobahn. You may have heard that there are no imposed speed restrictions on the German motorways. So it is not unusual to see speeds 192m/h and upwards, which to convert for our American friends is 723km/h. A great holiday destination for Nascar fans.

Greece

Lots of history to be found in Greece, but not much money and plenty of minotaurs. There are even creatures that turn you to stone just by looking at them in popular party destinations, club reps I believe they are called. Be on your guard at all times.

Italy

Italy very much feels like the kind of country that is family run due to the passion and disorder that reigns supreme. And that’s because it is. The Dolmio family have long ruled the country like a modern day mafia, but are friendly enough unless you cross them. If you stay on their good side, Mama and Papa will make you an offer you can’t refuse… a delicious Spaghetti Bolognese.

Sweden

Home of the modern day Vikings and flat pack furniture. In fact it was the Vikings who first discovered the need for condensed ready to assemble furniture as their long boats were very narrow and they needed to be innovative to get wardrobes from one side of the fjord to the other. A good destination should you enjoy meatballs.

France

Avoid when possible. The people here don’t work lunches, work 35 hours a week at most and generally don’t work at all due to being on strike. The country generally doesn’t function well.

 

There you have it, the Fox News holiday guide to Europe. There are actually 4.5 more countries in the European Union, but you can actually drive from any one of these countries into any other within a day. What Fox News viewers generally don’t know is, Europe is actually only the size of Wisconsin.

Mr Emerson has since apologized to the city of Birmingham for spreading this staggering use of incorrect information. But the worrying thing is that he genuinely believed it to be true. But what did you really expect? Going to Fox News for news is like going to the fried chicken shack down the road for your home improvement shopping.

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