There seems to be a common misconception that the longer you are single, the shorter your list should be of what you will and will not settle for in the pursuit of love. Let me tell you, that couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact my years of dating have actually led to an increase in my list. Meanwhile, every time I walk into a bar or party there’s inevitably a group of lads sat together, listing the good and bad points of every woman who’s walked in. Whom they’ve never spoken to nor even looked at in-focus, as they’re currently dissing girls from the other side of a dimly lit room. For realz, what even is that about?
So I’ve made my own list. One based on my first hand dating experiences, and drawn up to reflect the deeper and shallower parts of the relationship I think I’d like. Because if we’re going to start making lists about people, they should be personal and based on what I’ve learnt these last few years. And they should be for the long-term, not to play the field with the best I think I can get.
If you know of a man embodying all these qualities, could you pass him my details?
1. Good grammar
Your, You’re, They’re, Their, There… know the difference.
2. Non Smoker please!
At a push, an ex smoker. I have no time for kissing an ashtray. Also it’s not cool to smoke, has no benefits and is dang expensive.
3. Know your quotes
I’m in a glass cage of emotion! He has to be able to speak in random sitcom and movie quotes. If he doesn’t know what I’m talking about when I throw out quotes from Friends, The Office, Breaking Bad or a variety of slapstick comedies, he just ain’t for me.
4. Believe in something
I really don’t care what it is; religion, spirituality, Vulcan, whatever, just have an opinion about life, the world we live in and know a little something about where we’re heading and where you’d like us to head towards.
5. White shirt, dark jeans, blazer. Werk it
If you look good in this, you are my kind of chap.
6. Appreciate the little things
I don’t mean romantic things. I mean things like going camping, staying in watching a box set marathon, weekend coffees. It’s not all about the big gestures. Sometimes the best moments are found on the sofa watching The Wire.
I want to be able to rest my head on your chest when I’ve had a crappy day. I need you to be able to reach the things from shelves that I cannot. And mostly I need to know that I can always find you in a crowded bar.
8. Tattoo and Beard
These are negotiable. Obviously. But let me tell you they are an almost sure-fire way to speed up the no pants dance part of dating.
9. Laugh at my jokes
I’m not a stand up, but I am funny in a dark, inappropriate way and I want you to not only be ok with that, I want you to laugh along with me and think I’m as hilarious as I think I am.
Seriously dance, not be dragged up for a stomp around the floor. I’d like a man who is happy slow dancing at a wedding as he is bouncing around like a loon at a gig.
11. Be competitive
I love to win, but nothing is more dissatisfying that beating someone who isn’t trying. Don’t go easy on me – give me your best shot, then don’t sulk when I whip your ass!
12. Big hands
I have big boobs, don’t let them go to waste!
13. Understand sorry
Don’t use it if you don’ t mean it, but at the same time learn when sometimes it’s best to just accept some responsibility and apologise. It doesn’t make you less of a man – quite the opposite.
Not just sex. Passion for something: sport, travel, changing the world, collecting vinyl… I don’t care what it is, but have something that is yours, for your own enjoyment. Not for the approval of others.
15. Karaoke skills
I love singing> I’m appalling, but I love it. So don’t leave me hanging whilst I’m singing along to Kenny Loggins; Danger Zone whilst driving down the motorway.
16. Love red wine…
And know a little about it.
17. Understand the joy of the internet
I want to see otters dancing, dogs who think they are cats, a montage of people falling over or the police lip syncing to Taylor Swift, Shake It Off, whilst driving.
18. Loves lists…
Know a man who fits the bill? I want to know, seriously, I want to know!
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