Something dreadful has happened in the world of movie musicals. Possibly the worst thing to have happened since Adam Sandler started having a career. The classic musical Annie has not only been remade, but unnecessarily updated.
Daddy Warbucks has become Will Stacks, there’s tweeting updates, selfies and a general slaughter of the original plot. It’s worse than Annie 2, and that was bad.
But it got me thinking, if other classic musicals got an unneeded modern day update, what would their plot be?
Danny and Sandy wouldn’t need to cut their holiday romance short, in fact they’d already know they’d be going to the same school as they would have kept in touch over Facebook when they got home. It would have started as some innocent ‘poking’ (does anyone even do that anymore?), then some private messaging before outrageously flirting on each other’s walls. Before school even started their relationship statuses would have gone from ‘single’ to ‘it’s complicated.’
Plus Danny would have seen Sandy’s transformation way before the fairground scene, she totally would have instagrammed how smoking hot she looked beforehand.
And Rizzo wouldn’t be worrying about beauty school anymore, she’d just learn everything from YouTube videos instead.
The Wizard of Oz
Dorothy is joined by three friends on an adventure to meet the wizard in the hope he can make their dreams come true. The scarecrow wants a relationship so needs some swanky new threads that won’t scare away the birds, the tin man wants to be Iron Man and the cowardly lion wants to man the fuck up.
Dorothy doesn’t want to go home in this version, she’d rather have some mates that aren’t quite so needy or annoying.
Either that or she finds a Satnav on the way and ditches them.
Oliver wouldn’t have joined a small pickpocketing gang in this version, he would have joined an actual gang, causing riots and general mischief throughout London. This gang wouldn’t need Fagin chaperoning them, in fact Oliver would be their leader, after all, who would expect such trouble from such a fresh faced boy?
Also in the updated version Nancy would have told Bill Sykes to stuff it.
In this updated version, we’d make the Corny Collins TV show a reality show instead of a dancing one. This show would be a cross between X Factor, Britain’s Got Talent and Big Brother.
Instead of competing for the title of Miss Teenage Hairspray, they’d be nominating their fellow dancers for eviction until the final one standing was crowned the winner. They’d then be given a record deal for a single song and allowed to perform in front of royalty before disappearing into obscurity forever.
Follow the journey of Sweeney Todd as he takes a hairdressing degree and learns to stop cutting people’s necks when shaving them.
Uses Facebook to track down his daughter and calls the police on her captor. Simples.
The band of bohemians all get a proper job instead of constantly complaining that they have no money. The landlord takes them to court for not paying rent for over a year and wins. They go to jail and moan about that instead.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
This plot wouldn’t involve the chocolate factory, it would be more about the fraud and lies coming from Grandpa Joe.
He claims he needed to be bedridden because he’s so ill, but one mention of going to a chocolate factory in the first act and he’s suddenly dancing round the room. The plot follows the aftermath that this has on the Bucket family as this revelation sinks in and they realise they’ve been duped this whole time by a fraudster within the family. Awkward.
Nicole Kidman goes to see her GP. Gets medication and feels better. The End.
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