The other night as I was just about to drift off to sleep, an earthquake shook my house. Sure it only shook for quarter of a second, but it shook dammit and long will I remember the great Leicestershire quake of 2015. Then the following day, a blizzard hit my work. I’m sure you know what this means. In the words of Michael Stipe, It’s the end of the world as we know it, but fortunately I feel fine. I feel so fine that I am writing this cautionary guide at what to expect as the four horsemen ride into town. 

the four horsemen of the apocalypse

We have had the warning signs, so what does the first horseman bring with him? Brace yourselves, this one is tough to stomach. The Queen will announce that One Direction are officially the greatest band in history and by law, Steal My Girl is the only state authorized ringtone. The confusion of not knowing whose phone is ringing leads to the breakdown of society and we never get to see season 5 of Game of Thrones, which is definitely the worst thing imaginable.

The second horseman Larry arrives a little bit later, slightly delayed by stopping off at the McDonald’s drive thru for a box of 20 nuggets. But when he does arrive, he arrives on a fully functioning Back to the Future hoverboard. It is 2015 after all, and as we know, the movie foretold its coming this year, but that nuggety bastard promptly breaks it on live TV and in the aftermath we all stop dreaming forever more. 

Cedric, the most stylish of the horsemen with his socks and Crocs brings with him plagues and pestilence, or as they are otherwise know, the cast of Geordie Shore. Spreading across the land like a virus, they infiltrate all of our sacred institutions. Our libraries, Westminster and Antiques Roadshow, nothing is safe. While they actually did a better job in parliament than the previous occupants, they were suitably puzzled by the tree sandwiches that filled the remaining libraries.

The final horseman Bono strides into town with the most heinous punishment imaginable. You didn’t even have time to try and resist, but he fills your mp3 player with quasi celtic rock shite and proclaims himself the saviour of the world. The horror. 

Thankfully climate change and global warming are myths as proved by the Fox News “science experts” pointing at the snow. Otherwise we might really have to worry about the state of the planet and possibly do something to change it. Maybe it’s not the end of the world as we know it, but it is definitely buggared.

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