As a kid all I wanted to be was a grown up, because let’s face it, being a grown up means knowing everything. Ha, isn’t that hilarious, I think in fact I know less about more now than I did at 15.
Being a grown up is awesome. You can drink, have sex and make ridiculous decisions and only have your own disappointment to deal with.
That said, I’ve been having a think recently about my impending age increase and how many things I still cannot get to grips with, so here they are seven things I still do not understand at 29. I must disclose, this list is by no means exhaustive.
1. Cooking rice
Genuinely, this is not tough. I know it’s not tough because most functioning humans can do it. I on the other hand end up with either starchy smush (technical term) or it’s so hard the rest of my meal is stone cold before I get chance to smush it.
2. Curling my eyelashes
I can do this, I have the expensive Shu Umera lash curlers. I’ve also tried about 8 other brands and unlike the YouTube stars I cannot for the life of me get the buggers to stay curled! Is it magic? Is it witchcraft? Why won’t the little gits STAY CURLED?
3. Sleeping in silence
I have never managed this, I am in fact still an infant. If I don’t have the radio, TV or audio book on then I can kiss goodbye a good nights sleep. Also did I mention there is always a teddy bear? Well there is, his name is Sedrick (I know it’s not spelt right, I was two when I got him so just go with it).
4. Wearing a jumper over a shirt
How can this be so hard? It’s a jumper over a shirt, but regardless of my significant efforts, it never works. I end up with a uni-boob thanks to a too large shirt under a too tight jumper, or a too short jumper/long shirt situation. It’s just too stressful, I just can’t do it. Le sigh.
5. How aeroplanes fly
I love flying, and if I’m honest I get the physics behind the actual way they fly. Every time I sit on one, braced for take off, I cannot begin to deal with how the hell this huge sardine can with wings will stay up in the air long enough to get me to the beach in one piece.
6. Poaching an egg
So simple, so many gadgets to make it even easier and yet I CAN NOT DO IT! Seriously, not once, not one single solitary successful poached egg.
7. Sending post on time
My friends have birthdays on the same day every year, please see also anniversaries, and despite both a paper diary and one on my phone I can never seem to just send them cards to get there on time. I love cards on my birthday, so this year I’m going to force myself to send cards on time.
So here’s the plan: get my ass in gear and by the end of 2015, by the time I’m 30 I will have mastered them all, all I tell you!
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