First of all, you have lovely feet.

Made in Chelsea Louise Thompson Alik Alfuson
IMAGE: Instagram

I mean, I could have guessed at the size of them, given that you probably have to reach up for most doorknobs (sorry if the word “knob” is painful for you right now) but they’re just so dainty and pretty and your pedicure is lovely. That’s something to focus on, right? Pleasing feet. Of course, you probably don’t need me to tell you that your feet are appealing – your boyfriend has already made it pretty clear that he is a fan.

Second of all, good job on the boyfriend! 

Made in Chelsea Louise Thompson Alik Alfuson
IMAGE: Instagram

 (Sorry if the word “job” is painful for you right now). On the show he came across a bit soft, a little weak around the edges, not really a match for your pint-sized passion. There was something in that constantly furrowed brow that brought Bieber to mind, and that’s just not something you really want from your handsome New York boyfriend, you know? But, in light of recent revelations, I see the appeal. It’s very… I mean, he’s very… I think you know what I mean.

Thirdly, we need to talk about Instagram, iPhones and the problems of modern technology.

Made in Chelsea Louise Thompson Alik Alfuson
IMAGE: Instagram

You’re a reality television star, so I suspect you don’t really need to be edified on the ins and outs of a private existence in an online era. You’re already out there. The spotlight is yours. Thousands of teenage girls know the ins and outs and ups and downs (sorry if those phrases are painful for you right now) of every aspect of your life – and you make a heck of a lot of money out of their interest so YAY!

Still, I suspect you may need to look into privacy settings and passwords and whatnot, because whether this was a hack (as you’re claiming) or a slip of a digit (as the universe suspects) you probably shouldn’t let it happen again. Unless you’re looking to move out of reality TV and into another entertainment arena in which case good for you!

And also, “Laid in Chelsea” is too obvious a title for your first film.

Fourthly, finally, and most pressingly – Paul Hollywood? 

Made in Chelsea Louise Thompson Alik Alfuson
IMAGE: Instagram

Is it not a slight concern that your boyfriend of nearly a year gets a rise out of a grey-haired man with a stern demeanour and a yeast fetish? It’s just that if I was going to manufacture someone who was your exact opposite in every way, he would probably be tall, male and old with blue eyes. I understand the general appeal of baked goods but not usually in a sexual context – still, Alik would have been a teenager in the era of America Pie, so perhaps that’s the hook. 

That’s all I had to say, really! You’re now more famous than ever, which is quite a feet. Feat, I mean. Carry on putting your best foot forward. People who are criticizing you would be behaving very differently if the shoe was on the other foot.

Sincerely, 

Scarlett Cayford

Made in Chelsea Louise Thompson Alik Alfuson
IMAGE: Instagram

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