Recently I was dragged along to watch that movie about the colourful world of art as seen through a dog’s eyes. You probably haven’t heard of it, but it is called 50 Shades of Grey and I must say I was really misled about the movie’s premise. Having gone in expecting to see a flick about a stony hearted dog’s misgivings about the world of art, but eventually finds a lady dog who softens his harsh exterior to understand the finer points of the work of Salvador Dali with a few laughs along the way, I ended up seeing something quite different.

50 shades of grey tie

My hopes were definitely wavering when the adverts started to roll and an advert for Durex lube was plastered across the screen. After a few more strange adverts, I was starting to feel like this movie wasn’t going to be tailored to my exceedingly specific expectations. That being said, I was pretty positive no movie that could be played to an audience in public was suitable for the mustachioed, slightly sweaty larger gentleman with a big bucket of popcorn sat in the aisle opposite me by himself. But we will try to forget about him.

No. Turns out this was a movie about a studly billionaire with a thing for DIY shops and the heartwarming message that if you are rich, you can do whatever the fuck you want. I think by Mr Grey’s second, maybe third appearance in the film, I very vocally exclaimed to nearby cinema goers, “this guy’s a fucking psychopath”. But after his next appearance, my suspicions were confirmed. That guy was a nut job.

Now I haven’t read the 50 Shades of Grey books and have no intention of ever doing so. Especially after seeing excerpts of the text, which made it look like it was written by a horny 14 year old girl. But that all made sense after hearing that it was originally a Twilight fanfic. But Twilight made shitloads despite being blithering shite, so despite my dismay, I am not surprised this crap has made what can only be defined as a fuckton of cash. I think the problem is, the writer of the book and the makers of the movie seem to have absolutely no understanding of what BDSM really is.

50 shades of something

A lot of critics have spoken up recently about the film and it goes without saying, they are mostly pretty spot on. As far as I could surmise, this movie revolved around outright emotional abuse and manipulation sprinkled with a lot of hanky panky. Which seems even more of a shame given that the performances of the beautiful people Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson were really rather impressive. Especially considering the fact that half of the scenes must have been as awkward as hell, even for professional actors. All I’m saying is, I saw so much of Dakota’s breasticles, I could have been forgiven for thinking I was watching a confusing opening episode of Game of Thrones season 5.

In summary, the music is quite good but if you want to see soft porn, I still wouldn’t recommend this movie. It was 50 shades of something, but all the shades of grey in the world couldn’t help convey just how relieved I was when the movie ended.

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