She’s young, she’s blonde and she’s taking over the world – and you’d better get onboard because if you don’t, she’s going to write a song about you. 

Everybody would be a lot nicer than they are now

Taylor Swift

Like, a lot nicer. But not syrupy nice – not cloying. Just nice, like they don’t even have to try, like they wake up in the morning, and it’s sunny and birds help them get dressed and it doesn’t freak them out because they like birds and then everything goes right all day and it happens again the next day and it’s not surprising. Nice like an unexpected present or an old friend remembering your birthday before Facebook made that happen all the time. 

Everybody would take out their anger through the medium of song

Taylor Swift

Think how much harder it would be to have a proper argument if, instead of going up to your boyfriend and hissing at him that if he leaves the towel on the floor one more time, you’re going to rip it into pieces, plait it and thread it up his urethra, you had to approach him with a guitar and a very short pair of shorts and rhyme “towel” with “scowl”.

We would all look like Sandra Dee

Taylor Swift

Both Sandras, you understand, pre-Danny and post-Danny – leather, but pleated and paired with lace, and surrounded by the air of someone who has very recently stroked a very fluffy cat. Not that Taylor would discriminate you for not looking like her because she’s Taylor, but that doesn’t mean she wouldn’t encourage you to wear unicorn motifs and peter pan collars a little more often.

Nobody would sweat 

Taylor Swift

Have you seen Tay when she emerges from the gym? She makes Kate Middleton look like someone who accidentally toppled a Tesco display of cereal boxes and has been forced to tunnel out. And she would share that secret, because she’s a giver.

Everyone would know what it’s like to sleep with Harry Styles 

Taylor Swift

This part of the plan might be a bit rough on Harry himself but I imagine he would pretty quickly sh-sh-sh-shake it off. His penis, you understand. 

We would all dance with abandon 

Taylor Swift Taylor Swift Taylor Swift Taylor Swift

Taylor knows that there is nothing sadder than half-hearted dancing, except perhaps poverty and that news story about a captive elephant who is so sad, she holds her own tail. Oh god, I can’t go on. I can’t stop thinking about the elephant. 


Taylor Swift

Taylor simply wouldn’t stand for it.





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