bad-date

The saying goes; “you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince”. Well I’ve kissed a lot of frogs. Judging by his prolonged absence, I can only assume that my prince is doing some worthwhile preparation for our grand romance. Perhaps he’s been in Lidl all this time, planning our perfect first date meal. Perhaps he’s saving up to take me somewhere wonderful. Or perhaps he’s learning the violin so he can play me into peaceful slumber each night. Whatever he’s up to, he’s taking his sweet time.

I don’t mind the wait, or the dating adventures I’m having while I look for the one I want to stick with. But unfortunately this has left me with ample time for disaster too. I’ve had to reflect on these recently – deliberating after those ill-fated rendevouz with boys on the quest for love and sex, when really I should just stayed at home with a bar of Galaxy and a vibrator. It’s just easier than enduring this lot…

The one with the herpes

There’s one thing a guy shouldn’t just assume on a first date. That thing is that you’re going to take them home. Don’t assume that, guys. Just don’t. Being presumptuous about it pretty much guarantees that my pants will be a no-go zone for you for some time, if ever.

I went out with one guy who made this presumption pretty clear before we’d even finished our first drink. He took my face in his hands, told me he’d had herpes once, and followed it with “I thought you should know so you can make an informed decision about whether you take me home tonight.”

Kudos for honesty. No kudos for barely giving it an hour to learn anything about me.

The cryer

Shortly after Herpes Guy, I met The Cryer. Two drinks in, he informed me of his parents break up when he was two. Granted, horribly sad. But I wasn’t quite prepared for this man to cry about it there and then in the middle of the bar. I did what I could to console him, but I couldn’t bring myself to risk it again.  

The one who just wanted to watch football

Asked on a date to a sports bar under the guise of being taught how to play pool (I’m bad at it. Like, really bad), I should’ve seen straight through this agenda. It was match day. I found myself frequently abandoned throughout the afternoon in favour of goal celebrations with the other guys in the bar. For some reason, I stayed for the duration of the match. Unimpressed, we haven’t spoken since.

Done with crappy dates for the time being? Give yourself a break without missing out on the pleasurable fun bit. Durex are running an awesome competition to win a luxury weekend away, or one of four vibrators for runners up. All you need to do is tell them your sex toy status – whether you have a vibrator, and whether you use it alone or with a partner. Take two seconds to enter – it might just save you from a true dating disaster.

Durex vibrator competition

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