The 2015 election race is a confusing place to be and that is mainly because it is all about politicians and as we all know, politicians do not do straight talking. If you were to listen to David Cameron, everything bad is Labour’s fault and everything good is because he is a saint. Flip reverse that to get Ed Miliband’s point of view and Nick Clegg only needs to know what drinks to pick up from Starbucks. Throw in a couple of wild card entrants in the form of Nigel Farage and Nicola Sturgeon and you have a race as interesting as it is confusing.

To make things a little easier, I have devised a profile guide to help you make your decision a little easier. Sort of like election 2015 top trumps if you will. And to simplify things further, I’ll keep things extremely superficial, because as we all know, we’re really voting for the people in charge and policies mean nothing.

David Cameron

Election 2015 David Cameron

Appearance: Somewhat plastic, strangely robotic. Likely cyborg

Background: Money, shit loads of money

Education: The kind of school that looks down on most royal families

Election 2015 leadership material: Strong. Serious bullshit powers

Favourite colour: Tory blue

Favourite Pokemon: Ekans

Strengths: Trust funds, powerful friends

Weaknesses: Commoners, water (easily rusts)

Ed Miliband

Election 2015 Ed Miliband

Appearance: An aardman animation brought to life

Background: The brother of a potential leader

Education: School of life

Election 2015 leadership material: A natural backup

Favourite colour: Labour red

Favourite Pokemon: Oddish

Strengths: Wallace and Gromit fans

Weaknesses: Bacon sandwiches, lightning

Nick Clegg 

Election 2015 Nick Clegg

Appearance: The sad clown of parliament

Background: Former students favourite

Education: A significantly cheaper one than what is available now

Election 2015 leadership material: 404 leadership not found

Favourite colour: Liberal Yellow

Favourite Pokemon: Magikarp

Strengths: Excellent memory for the coffee round

Weaknesses: Angry students, mouldable spine

Nigel Farage

Election 2015 Nigel Farage

Appearance: That bloke always at the bar at the pub

Background: Very british despite the surname

Education: The great English education system

Election 2015 leadership material: Only willing if Downing Street has a bar

Favourite colour: Anything but black

Favourite Pokemon: Farfetch’d

Strengths: A lot of bigots, racists and idiots are eligible to vote

Weaknesses: People coming over here taking our jobs, balanced arguments

Nicola Sturgeon

Election 2015 Nicola Sturgeon

Appearance: Angela Merkel’s highland sister

Background: Passionately seeking a divorce to escape a weary marriage

Education: Tutored by Alex Salmond, endlessly more likeable

Election 2015 leadership material: King of the North

Favourite colour: Freedom tartan

Favourite Pokemon: Nidoqueen

Strengths: Remarkably balanced compared to the competition

Weaknesses: Braveheart reruns, Wii Bowling

 

I’m sure this made your choice a lot easier.

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