An alarming rise in teenage pregnancy is expected to sweep the globe in the coming years, despite a widespread effort to provide better sex education to our children. This worrying prediction has caught world leaders and top advisors completely off guard, threatening to scuttle a variety of policies and political promises. A source within the House of Commons described this news as “the most immediate threat to our economy”. 

The predicted boom came to light when during a live TV interview, Islamic preacher Mucahid Cihad made the ominous comment that those who masturbate will make their hands pregnant.

Slapping the salami

After countless minutes of investigating these claims, medical experts have tried to ease fears, releasing a statement that says that slapping the salami or rubbin the nubbin doesn’t always result in impregnation. In fact, the chances of conception largely correlate with the standard methods of doggy style, reverse cowgirl and the standing wheelbarrow.

Despite the less than 100% expected contraception rate, birth rates are still expected to sky rocket and experts predict that male teenagers will be the hardest hit. It is expected that the average male teenager will risk pregnancy 2 to 4 times on any given day.

Islamic preacher hand babies
Put a ring on it at your own risk

As a result of the latest headlines, Parliament are expected to force the major broadband providers to make parental controls compulsory some time in the next few weeks and fit every teenager with a heart rate monitor from the age of 13. While this is expected to dampen the statistics initially, there is a fear of the pornographic market being pushed underground and actually cause an increase in the teen pregnancy numbers due to insatiable demand. In such circumstances, the government already has a proposal in place to use a similar grading system to drugs to classify different porn niches. Few details are currently available, but it is expected that David Cameron will ensure face sitting will be regarded as class A porn and face the severest penalties (but it is important to note that these penalties will not include class B 50 Shades-style punishment).

Abusing the wicked stick 

Further revelations from the Islamic preacher in the past 24 hours have once again sent Twitter into a frenzied state. Mucahid Cihad took to the small screen again to state that abusing the wicked stick or rubbing the magic bean will not only result in teen pregnancy and hand babies, but the hand parent will also have to raise their dexterous offspring in the afterlife as the baby hand complains to God about its rights. Unsurprisingly this spread like wildfire across social media, resulting in the popular hashtags #myhandbaby, #Handjob and #HandyMcLuvin trending globally.

The preacher’s advice of getting married to avoid sin has done little to quell worries and gang warfare seems to be heating up between the anti hand-abortion and handy pro choice groups.

More on this story to follow…


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