We’ve all been there: woken up on the morning of a flight to the realisation that you’ve packed nothing, nothing’s clean, and even if you had things to put in it, you don’t have a bag the right size.
It’s not your fault; blame your mother. Blame David Cameron, or blame Ryanair for giving you a luggage allowance with the same capacity of your own two cupped hands. Whoever the culprit, you’re on holiday, you’ve gone to unpack and you’ve realized you’ve packed nothing of any use whatsoever. Thank goodness you brought 5 leather skirts though, never know when they might come in handy on the beach.
FEAR NOT, for everything you have managed to stuff into your flatmate’s stolen hold-all has multiple uses, and you have everything you need, if you squint a little and rely on everyone you meet being a bit drunk.
YOUR M&S G-STRING IS A HAIR-TIE/HEAD-BAND
Oh, you need to tie your hair out of the way in the shower, but failed to bring your usual array of hair bits? Just use your bum-floss for the job! Clean underwear is recommended; do not attempt while drunk in case you accidentally try to use a hair-tie as pants.
YOUR LIPSTICK IS EYESHADOW AND BLUSHER
Apparently we all wear too much make-up; apparently we’re all days away from being physically buried ‘neath collapsed mountains of body glitter, highlighter and eyebrow mascara. So if you’ve forgotten your make-up kit and you’re looking at your bare face like vegetarian looks like a kidney fry-up, try multi-purposing the bits you had stuffed in your pockets. Just because it’s intended for your mouth does not mean it has to go there, a lesson some of us must learn the hard way.
Also, according to Tumblr, you can use Oreos as mascara, but this is not recommended if you’re sleeping outside. That’s how you get ants.
CUT A HOLE IN YOUR BEACH TOWEL; IT IS NOW A STYLISH PONCHO
Sometimes, you’re promised a beach holiday and it shits it down with rain and you find yourself in the cinema watching Gone Girl for the third time, railing at God. If you’ve forgotten to pack anything with sleeves, legs or even a crotch, fashion warm items from anything available. Or steal a cardy from a bar, I’m not your mother.
OTHER PEOPLE’S THINGS ARE NOW YOUR THINGS
Your friends will forgive you; strangers will chase you. We do not condone overt thievery, except where we explicitly did exactly that just now.
YOUR SENSE OF SHAME OVER YOUR LACK OF PREPARATION IS NOW SUNSCREEN
If you don’t leave your hotel room then you won’t be exposed to harmful UV rays; if you’re not exposed to harmful UV rays then you’ll have nice skin; if you have nice skin then no one will ask you why you have no friends/no life experiences and you won’t have to tell them about the time you went on holiday to Mallorca and spent the whole time in your room sucking on a Capri Sun.
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