I know what you’re thinking, dude. That baking show in the shiny white tent in the glorious green paddocks needs NO assistance to be enjoyable. It’s like a hot bath on a cold day. Clean sheets on shaved legs. Cunnilingus when you’re horny but can’t be bothered moving.

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But even though it’s a nigh on perfect formula, there are ways in which it can improved. And here are some of them:

Make it a drinking game

This isn’t an original idea, but it might not be something you’ve contemplated before, seeing as The Great British Bake Off airs at 8pm on a Wednesday, and you’re doing a really good job at feigning being a functional adult.

But get yourself some good red wine (or kirsch liqueur, if you wanna be themey) and start knocking one back every time there’s a baking innuendo, someone looks stressed and/or Paul Hollywood acts like he’s superior to every living man on earth. You’ll be sozzled and merry before the first ad break (trick).

Bake along with them

We might not know the exact concoctions, but we DO know the themes. For example, last week was “CAKE” so you could well have knocked up a red velvet cake and eaten it out of the tin with a fork while feeling superior.

Multi-sensory cinema is a burgeoning industry, folks, get yourself on board. It needn’t be an arduous task, either: wait until “BREAD” week, get yourself down to Tesco and enjoy the episode while gnawing down on a baguette. Glorious. 

Watch with someone who doesn’t know the show

I’m a New Zealander, and am thusly fated to spend many an evening with other New Zealanders (they’re the only ones who will tolerate me, TBF). And some of the gems that come out of the mouths of those who are enjoying their first Mary Berry/Paul Hollywood extravaganza are golden.

“Does she always wear pink?”

“Is she allowed to keep eating all their food like that?”

 “Is this actually a competition? Why are they being so nice?”

Keep the show on mute and fill in the blanks using Twitter

For example, without the aid of dialogue, last week’s episode consisted soley of OMG THE MOUSSE, poo cake and some c*nt in a hat. 

Try to see the entire episode through the eyes of Sue

“Oh, look at all these nervous lovely people baking cakes for me. I’m going to eat some of this one. I’m going to give this one an encouraging remark. Is that the time? Must make at least three puns about cracks in the next nine minutes. Mel is so lovely. Cake is so lovely. I have the actual best job in the world”. 

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Try to emulate the show after the show

You have one day to make all three bakes. Better quit your job, son, it’s important to have priorities. You’re going to need: a pink blazer, lots of basil and someone else to do all the washing up.

Come up with your own puns

Everybody knows that it’s the puns that makes The Great British Bake Off such raging success, so make sure you’ve got some stored up your sleeve. Soggy bottoms is an obvious classic, but there’s also room to work with buns, “a swift riser” and anything involving whipped cream. Feel free to play with “cracks” too. Lol. 

Imagine the Queen watching the show at home

Come on, you know she does.

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