broken heart

As a woman in her late 20s I like to think I’m slightly better and wiser at the dating game now than I was as a teenager (well, my boyfriend seems nice enough anyway), but being in a fairly new relationship has made me reflect on previous boyfriends.

I’ve had worse luck with men than all of the Sex and the City girls combined, especially when it comes to the breaking up part. Like I’ve had excuses you couldn’t even make up because they’re that ridiculous. Here are some of the worst ones…

Note: This post is intended for laughter, not pity. These were all incredibly short-lived relationships. I wouldn’t even call them even vaguely serious.

1. “I want to be like Barney from How I Met Your Mother”

Barney from HIMYM

This is by far the worst/best excuse I’ve ever been given. It’s stuck in my head for over seven years and I regularly tell it at parties, in work… in fact to anyone that will listen.

I was 21 and a postgrad. He was a fresher at my old university. That’s right; I became a cougar at 21 thanks to an ill-advised party.

He was a fresher in a new city so I can’t really blame him for ending it. But rather than saying, “I want to be single because I’m young and at uni and look at all these attractive women who I quite fancy a cheeky snog with”, he said… “I’m sorry, I want to sleep with lots of women and be like Barney from How I Met your Mother”. That was it.

Hilariously, rather than investing in a suit, giving high fives and spending time in bars, he met someone at a party about a month later and is now married to her. Basically he’s more like Ted these days.

2. “I really like metal music and you don’t”

rock music

To this day I have no idea why I dated this guy, I blame alcohol and convenience as he was a friend of a friend of a friend, again at university (it’s where I made most of my bad decisions, and I don’t regret a single one of them).

We had nothing in common; he liked to drink, I didn’t. He had long hair, I didn’t like it. He liked horror movies, I couldn’t stand them. The killer to the relationship? He liked heavy metal and I couldn’t think of anything worse. I’m a One Direction fan for god’s sake.

I never judged him for it, but he saw it as something that was a deal breaker. I got dumped because I wouldn’t go to an AlexisOnFire gig with him. Unsurprisingly my friends were not even slightly shocked about our break up.

3. “I think you’re better suited to my friend”

choose my friend

Ok, this doesn’t paint me in the best light, but no one got hurt so it’s totally fine.

I had a cheeky snog with a guy at a party at – you guessed it – university. I then dated his friend who he introduced me to at the next party I went to (I didn’t spend all my time at parties honest. Ok I did a bit).

Me and this guy dated but it felt more like a friendship with occasional kissing. I met one of his friends and we got on amazingly well. So my guy dumped me because he thought I should go out with his friend instead.

And I did. It lasted one date. And I never saw either of them again.

4. “I’m too short for you”

Although most of my university dating disasters can be blamed on drunken decisions at parties, this one is rather more recent, last year in fact. On Tinder.

Good ol’ Tinder. I’ve talked about it before, how I’ve learnt so much from it. In fact if you’re looking to date and learn what you want, I genuinely recommend it. Hell, I met one of my best friends on it. (Yes it’s weird, but staying friends with someone who broke my heart turned out to be the best thing I ever did, and we’re more like brother and sister these days).

This guy told me he was short the night before, and he knew I was on the slightly lanky side so it shouldn’t have been a massive shock, but it seemed to be. He thought his height would be an issue for me, it wasn’t…it was an issue for him.

After three dates he ended it, saying “I think I’m too short for you, I have to stand on tiptoes to kiss you and it’s getting a bit much for me”

FML.

Think you can beat these ridiculous breaking up excuses? Please share them with me so I don’t feel alone here!

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