A new year means several things. Facebook statuses about how crap/wonderful/okish the previous year has been and how this year will be better, TV channels advertising the upcoming series of their successful shows (even if its 10 months away), and trying to remember how to do your job after a week or so off work.
So with a new year already underway, here are nine things I hope will happen at some point in 2016…
1. Resolution makers give up quickly
Just like 99.9% of the country, every year I make a resolution and it never seems to last longer than January 3rd. Then I’m all alone for the rest of the month as all my friends head to the gym, be teetotal and save money for another 3 weeks until they give up and accept they’re fabulous the way they are.
So I hope everyone gives up at the same pace as me this year so we can all hang out together, have fun and make gym owners the loners for a change.
2. My ex boyfriends have a disappointing meal
Is there anything worse than looking forward to your favourite meal from your favourite place all day, and then when you actually eat it to be massively disappointed by it? It’s the worst.
So I hope my ex boyfriends experience this feeling at least once in 2016. That’ll teach em. Bastards.
3. Gig re-sellers disappear
We’ve all been there…your favourite band announces a tour, you and all your friends wait patiently on about 6 ticket sites, your hard earned cash waiting to be spent, only for tickets to sell out within two minutes. Gutted.
But then you head to a reseller site, and the ticket that should be £40 is now £140, and you’ll be paying an extra £20 for postage, because apparently your ticket costs more than a pile of bricks to post. And all because an absolute bellend managed to buy 20 tickets before you. So you can’t go, your friends can’t go, and someone who had no intention of going now has a lot of money.
In 2016 I want to take all these sellers, and the sites who help them, into the middle of nowhere, give them a broken GPS and hope they get lost.
4. You will see John Robins
A more serious wish for 2016 is that everyone goes to see the amazing comedian that is John Robins.
John Robins is a legend. His Radio X show with Elis James (who you should also see in 2016) is one of the funniest things you’ll ever listen to, his latest Edinburgh show is so good I’ve managed to convince both my boyfriend and best mate to see it more than once (and will be taking my best friend’s girlfriend to see it in 2016) and if you haven’t heard his chat with Richard Herring, listen to it immediately.
He’s quallo, he keeps it sessions, he’s a pioneer of email, he is the Robins.
And if you want to understand my previous sentence, listen to the Radio X podcast right now. Then book a ticket to see him on tour.
5. Onesies become acceptable office attire
After several years of dropping hints to family, friends and strangers in the street that I wanted a onesie, I finally got one.
I am now the proud owner of a blue elephant onesie, but now I have to go back to work, and I’m not happy about the idea of leaving my comfy onesie and putting on my office uniform.
So I think we should all wear onesies to work in 2016. Think about it, you’ll be comfy, motivated and overall happier. Plus you won’t have to hear me whine about the fact I’m not in my onesie anymore.
6. Judge Rinder gets knighted
For anyone that hasn’t seen the legend that is Judge Rinder, he’s like Judge Judy, but sassy. He deals with small claims in the ITV court, and the more ridiculous the case, the better Rinder becomes. I particularly recommend the case where no one brought evidence. It lasted about 5 minutes.
His best lines include, “When my lips are moving, yours aren’t”, “I can smell a lie like a fart in a lift darling” and “Oh, is that your sister? Well terrible lightening can put years on us all”
And if you want another reason to love him, he was best man at Benedict Cumberbatch’s wedding. What more could you want?
7. I become Rebecca Adlington without training
Because I decided that 2016 needed to contain something that will emotionally and physically drain me, I decided to sign up to swim a mile in open water in June. I thought it was in July, it’s not, so that’s knocked off a month’s training already. I’m swimming it for the amazing mental health charity Mind so I cannot balls this up.
So I hope in 2016 I’ll discover I’ve got a superhero power of having Rebecca Adlington swimming abilities without stepping foot in a pool.
Well, a girl can dream…
8. That you’re happy
Ultimately in 2016 I’d just like everyone to be happy. I want you to know how fantastic you are, how amazing you are, that you can achieve anything and you don’t need a new year’s resolution to do that. I think you’re great and I wish you good health, happiness and success in 2016.
Unless you’re my ex-boyfriend or a bit of twat, then I hope you have a disappointing meal.
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