According to every magazine I ever pick up, all us women want is some downright kinky sex. And ever since the 50 shades phenomenon washed over us like the really hideous lingering scent of 2 day old Lynx Africa, we’ve all been expected to make S&M, all kinds of kink and domination part of our daily sex routine.

Which, you know, is cool. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good sexual fantasty and I absolute believe it is healthy to experiement in the bedroom. Or the kitchen. Or wherever else you might fancy your dose of sexy indulgence. But this was the last straw in a long line of books, articles and magazines imploring me to have wild, wicked sex in as many different positions as possible – and if it wasn’t happening like that, then I clearly wasn’t doing it right.

Waking Up Duvet

But please. Missionary is called a classic for a reason.

I’ve been with my partner for many years and enjoy sex as much as the next person. It just so happens that the particular brand of sexy I like to bring into the bedroom is just a little more vanilla than most people write about. I’m not talking roll on, roll off think of England here folks. But we know how we like it and that does us just fine. There might not be any bells or whistles but there are certainly fireworks and I didn’t have to whip my partner screaming into submission to get it.

It isn’t that I don’t like to experiment with sex – I just don’t believe the truths that magazines peddle. Such truths which include that everyone else is doing it more than you, everyone is going at it five different ways in every session and if you’ve not tied your partner up every time you copulate…well you are doing it wrong. Since I became sexually active I’ve donned latex, I’ve been tied up, spanked and gagged and sure I’ve done a little role play. I made toys a part of my bedroom routine once. It was awkward.

But you know what, what I want is the sex, not the show. What I enjoy about having sex is the foreplay, the intimacy, the feelings and the knowledge that my partner knows just what to do to please me. Quite frankly all the other stuff just gets in the way of us having a really awesome time. I mean, is there anything more annoying when, at the brink of orgasm your partner changes things up and you want to scream – “god damn I just wanted to come?!”

The thing is, if we are all honest with each other many of us will say we just want to feel good when having sex. I’m not talking about sticking to a tried and tested routine no matter what the outcome (hey, if reverse cowgirl doesn’t work for you, change that shit up), but if you don’t want to, or don’t feel comfortable why change because someone said you should?

When I say I can’t be arsed to act like a filthy pornstar it isn’t because I don’t care about my partner or value our sex life. It’s just that I know what turns me on. Penetration is cool with me…you don’t have to tie me up too. (And by the way…porn turns me on too, as do vibrators and reading erotic fiction). Sometimes a healthy sexual relationship may need levitra, a change of scene, or position. I’m totally down with that. And I’m not advocating letting sex become a habit.

But I suggest just doing what makes you and your partner feel good…no one else is watching (well, unless you like that sort of thing). If it is a little vanilla – then don’t be ashamed. I can promise you from experience that not every man or woman in the world is dying for an S&M dungeon. If that is you though, go seek it out – no one is judging.

Playing out your fantasies is not to be frowned upon. But like these tips from Durex on bedroom advice for 2016, you can just brush up on the basics – good bed linen, no distractions and a really really good time.

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