There’s something about a bodysuit: the crotch snaps, the high-cut legs, the low backs, the lack of fabric. Something a little gymnastic and bendy and minimalist. Something about a bodysuit that makes me say, yeah, that suits my body.
The 90s have come back with a vengeance, and they have brought with them this modern leotard iteration, in minimalist black and loud colours, in sheer fabrics and sequins and velvet. And while the thought of a crotch headband might make you wince, here are seven reasons why you should invest in a body suit.
It is not as difficult to urinate as you think
That is to say: do not stoop so low as to purchase a bodysuit without crotch snaps. Do not do that to your vagina or your sweet self, or you will find yourself, hunched naked over a toilet at 2am in a nightclub, with all your clothing gathered to your lap so it does not dangle into wee puddles, contemplating everything. A button-up crotch keeps things simple and sweet. Bend, snap, piss. Done.
There is no extra fabric
High-waisted skirts are my jam, and I know all-too-well the sadness of a ruined silhouette caused by bagged excess material tucked down the front and back. Where’s my A-line, you ask? It’s fucked, I answer, because you did not buy a bodysuit. Buy a bodysuit. Buy a bodysuit.
Extra vaginal protection
It is like having a second pair of knickers. Or, if you have forgotten your knickers, it is like having a pair of knickers. There is nothing more conducive to a Strong Independent Woman Attitude than a well-secured crotch.
You will feel like Beyonce when you strip
Unzip your skirt and fling it across the room, and there you are: all highcut legs and prance-y, single-ladying it up with a squat and a shimmy. WARNING: if you squat too low, your crotch snaps may undo from the pressure. If this happens, MAKE SURE you have the presence of mind to turn it into an integral part of your stripping routine.
You will never accidentally flash anyone
Remember that time you took off your jumper and your t-shirt came with it and you accidentally showed everyone your greying, scummy bra? HOW HUMILIATION. You literally cannot do this with a bodysuit on. You literally cannot. It is impossible, like removing glitter nail polish. Like believing that Donald Trump is a real person. Like getting on the Central Line without grinding your teeth into little nubs of bone. Impossible.
They come in every style imaginable
Lace. Sheer. Leather. Shiny. Black. White. Neon. Other colours. Literally made of diamonds and gold. Literally made of goldfish scales. Pinstripes. V-neck. Leaves. This makes them hella versatile. There is a bodysuit for your office, and a bodysuit for the rave you went to and accidentally made out with that guy you met on a bus once. There is a bodysuit for everyone.
They are skintight and sexy as hell
It is really hard to find a well-fitting top that gives you the tightness you want (to show off your abs, son) without stretching or bagging and losing its shape. NOT SO THE BODYSUIT. The bodysuit loves you, and your body. The bodysuit wants to hug you like a pal. Love the bodysuit. Embrace the bodysuit.
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